Authentic Communication

So what is authentic communication?

Is it an intensely passionate political debate? Is it two people madly in love, talking about their favorite things? Is it people exchanging small talk for the first time?

As in anything, this is completely subjective but is still something to consider in ourselves because we are all social beings who (on some level) crave authentic, genuine communication and attention.

I personally think that many of us going through our lives thinking that we are connecting with people through our every day lives because “authentic communication” means that we are sharing our thoughts and feelings on certain topics, and therefore we are sharing ourselves and in turn being shared with. What a great thing!

At a superficial level, at the very surface of communication, someone knowing my favorite color (red by the way) is authentic. I do really like the color red, so this is genuine. I just told you. This is authentic communication, right?

Well, let’s look at it from a different perspective.

And in fact let’s look at our own lives. I say this in all earnest because if you take what I am about to say and then you look around at the world, I believe you can go into the process of believing there is no authentic communication going on in the world and that everything is completely fake and inauthentic. Even worse you’ll automatically find some sort of counter-example and discredit the idea.

So looking at our own lives, we can go around sharing ourselves yet there still might be a little something missing from social interactions. Sometimes we may rationalize it as “people don’t really listen when I share myself” or “everyone is fake” and on and on.

I myself sometimes find this in my thoughts. For example, from time to time I do try to push myself to LISTEN, like really listen, when people talk. By people I mean everyone, even if I don’t see the value in talking to certain people. I often get discouraged because I feel like I get walked all over. My sub-conscious is almost saying “Everyone is just using you to get their ideas out and get validation. You are just a doormat.”

I really think this is a horrible, horrible conclusion.

I think there is a lack of authentic communication is on my part. What I would say it really is, is this: Authentic communication is a form of self-expression that emanates from the “being” of the conversation, not of the “doing” of the conversation.

Uh oh. I know I probably just lost most people on that.

Ok ok, let me put in better terms. Authentic communication is not about what is being said. It can be an extremely intelligent conversation, or it can even two people sitting together sitting together in silence.

For anyone who paints, writes, sings, plays a sport, they may know of the idea of “being in the moment.” I remember reading an interview with Shaquille O’neal where he talks about how when he is playing basketball everything is in “slow motion.” For others there is an inner-peace and calm. Usually the mental chatter in your mind goes away. This is being “in state”.

This idea is at the core of authentic communication. I find, when two people are debating politics, even if it is mild mannered, there is almost no self-expression going on. One side my be trying to persuade. One side might be trying to impress. Irregardless, there is so self-expression. It is not about winning or losing, looking to impress or to make anyone feel inferior.

If anything self-expression is meant to for the person who is “self-expressing.” I imagine a painter who is really “in state” while painting might find the paychecks he receives for his paintings gratifying, but in the end it is the process of painting where the fulfillment is found.

So I want to wrap this up with a suggestion (for myself and for others) for those who want are looking for ideas on how to self-express and help others to find this through themselves. I find the best way is to just learn to enjoy people for the core essence that they are in fact a person. Just listen, without judgement, without thinking of all the cool things you could add to the conversation. Turn off the thoughts while listening.

I can hear your thoughts already “But Andy! You can’t just turn off your thoughts! That’s stupid. If I didn’t think I’d be an ignorant moron that is completely empty inside.”

Listen, turning off your thoughts doesn’t mean being blissfully ignorant and accepting everyone else’s idea’s without protest. What I am saying is calm down the mental chatter. Your mind and thoughts are not you. It is a part of you, but the real you is the that part that can appreciate others for human beings, rather than judging them as better or worse, richer or poorer, meaner or nicer.

Something simple to do while listening is to just to focus on your breathing while someone is talking. Feel each breath go in and out of your lungs. If you can really feel that, it’s an intensely peaceful feeling. Do this while listening and your listening skills are just so greatly enhanced.

And from this position true communication will flow. After practicing this you may find yourself saying things, and vibing socially like you never have. Often times I say some funny whitty thing and go “where the hell did that come from?” It came out of being in the moment. And usually it is more self-entertaining than trying so desperately to make someone else laugh.

Self-expression is where the true fulfillment comes from.

I really hope this can help anyone else who is trying to get more towards the core of being genuine and towards the age old adage of “being themselves.”

Whatever You Want is Already Yours

Recently I've been reading a book called "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's an amazing book for those who are into finding a little more inner-peace in their lives. It's not a religious book by any means (as the Jesus quote at the end of the citing might suggest), however it does quote from different religions as to recognize certain philosophical principles. Anyhow I hopped up on this section in his book and thought it's something everyone can get a little bit out of. Check it out:

ABUNDANCE

Who you think you are is also intimately connected with how you see yourself treated by others. Many people complain that others do not treat them well enough. "I don't get any respect, attention, recognition, acknowledgment," they say. "I'm being taken for granted." When people are kind, they suspect hidden motives. "Others want to manipulate me, to take advantage of me. Nobody loves me."

Who they think they are is this "I am a needy 'little me' whose needs are not being met." This basic misperception of who they are creates dysfunction in all their relationships. They believe they have nothing to give and that the world or other people are withholding from them what they need. Their entire reality is based on an illusory sense of who they are. It sabotages situations, mars all relationships. If the thought of lack - whether it be money, recognition, or love - has become part of who you think you are, you will always experience lack. Rather than acknowledge the good that is already in your life, all you see is lack. Acknowledging the good that is already in your life is the foundation for all abundance. The fact is: Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world. You are withholding it because deep down you think you are small and that you have nothing to give.

Try this for a couple of weeks and see how it changes your reality: Whatever you think people are withholding from you - praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, and so on - give it to them. You don't have it? Just act as if you had it, it will come. Then, soon after you start giving, you will start receiving. You cannot receive what you don't give. Outflow determines inflow. Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you already have, but unless you allow it to flow out, you won't even know that you have it. This includes abundance. The law that outflow determines inflow is expressed by Jesus in this powerful image: "Give and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap."

Why I Like Homosexuals

Uh-Oh.

I know I am going to get shit for writing a title like that.

And you know what? Im completely comfortable in saying that.

As a man, it can be difficult to make statements like this. The guy code doesn't allow us to use the words "I like" and "homosexuals" in the same sentence, unless there is a "dont" between "I" and "like". I mean that is a whole other can of worms that I could go into for hours but let me stay on point.

So, let's be honest here: We all like interesting people. We all like people who can make us laugh, be goofy and, most importantly, be themselves. People who are restrained and hold back from who they really are tend to be boring and difficult to connect with. I know I can be as guilty as anyone; too afraid to be different or to stand out that I'm just boring.

Well, in my experience, people who come out of the closet tend to be people who are more connected with themselves in some way (It's a generalization, I know). From my experience in meeting people, gay men and women have a certain comfortablity with themselves.

Now this doesn't mean that they are completely in touch with themselves or perfect people by any means. I guess what I'm saying is I felt that they have a much easier time connecting with others, with finding their own internal values and in general, being social.

I really have to stress here again that it is a generalization, yes, but it is something I have generally picked up on.

So I was thinking about why this is.

I mean haven't you ever met that really flamboyant gay guy who was unafraid of people (in a social sense) or who was obnoxious in public or who just has a really good time with whoever is around them? The flamboyant gay guy can totally be the stereotype. And it's funny because I've met many who are quite completely to the contrary, really quiet guys who are rather afraid to "stir the pot" and offend people.

The thing is though, I was wondering just why this is. Why can some people just do what they want, not caring or giving a fuck what people think?

I have some inklings as to why, but let me draw a comparison from a story I just heard about.

I was reading a book that mentioned the true story of Art Berg, a successful businessman who became quadreplegic after an accident. He lost mobility in his legs and arms (obviously) and eventually was able to use a wheelchair, type with two fingers and dress himself in the morning. He was having a hard time getting a job though. Over the phone the interviewer loved him, but when they actually saw him and his condition they changed their mind. He eventually got a job with IBM doing some sort of sales job and becamse SUPER successful doing that. He eventually started traveling and public speaking making money that way. And as cool as all that is, and as successful as he was by societal standards, the guy just lived an amazing life. Initially doctor's noted that he was exhibiting "excessive happiness" and it probably confused the hell out them. How can this guy be so happy when he just lost the use of almost all his faculties? Well through losing so much he gained something else, some kind of wisdom or enlightenment.

Art Berg lost the use of his body and by doing so lost other things that might have been holding him back before.

He obviously gained some real amazing social skills to be able to be such a great salesman and public speaker.

But seriously, think about it. Your stuck in a wheelchair and can't do any of the old things you were so used to doing before.

So what do you do?

I figure you go down one of two roads. Either you play the victim or you see an opportunity to grow.

I imagine for Art Berg he just said "Well there's really not anything worse than this but death, so fuck it, why be scared of anything." He became a high-value social guy who, I can imagine, had an extremely magnetic personality. He dropped the ego and just did what he wanted.

Now to bring this story back full circle, think of this in terms of someone who has to tell his/her family and friends that he/she is gay. While I'm sure there are plenty of those friends and family members still hold the same respect and love for that individual, but there will always be people who don't approve and plenty of hurt and pain from that. I can tell you from stories I've heard, it can be extremely painful.

So after you've gone through that, through your deepest fears of being judged and hated, you kind of just go "Ehhh, it's not that bad. I'm still alive, I'm still here." You lose those things that hold you back: fear of judgement, fear of acceptance. It's a beautiful thing.

It's something I admire because it's something I struggle with every day of my life.

With that being said, I have the utmost respect anyone who just goes after what they want. I have the utmost respect for people who know what their values are and just go for it. I have the utmost respect who are afraid of what "could happen" and still push through the pain and uncomfortableness. Most importantly I have the utmost respect for people who give themselves permission to live life happily.

And this is why I like homosexuals.