There Is No End

Hollywood movies have effectively brainwashed the masses into believing that one day we'll “make it” and our struggles will finally be over.

I call it the “Fade to Black” fallacy.

At the end of nearly every movie the football team wins, the guy gets the girl and James Bond saves the world. Almost immediately, the screen fades to black and we all leave feeling good.

"Riding off into the sunset..."

Leaving on a high note after the culmination of the story leaves the audience to believe that one day they will ride off into the sunset too, once they finally get the money or the status or whatever. If only our big problem is solved can we finally be at peace. The dream is to get something “handled” so we don't have to spend time and energy on it anymore.

The thing is, reaching a goal is not the end because life always goes on.

After you (or your team) win the Super Bowl, the initial high reverts back to whatever it was before the victory. Not saying that the immense pride is ever lost but the “elated feeling” eventually goes away. The next season eventually starts and you have to prove yourself again.

Let's be honest, winning the Super Bowl will make you happy. It'd be pretty friggin' awesome. But just how long does that little piece of self-esteem last? How long does it take to go back to the previous state of mind? I'm willing to bet pretty quickly.

THE PERVERTED FALLACY

The perverted fallacy is that we'll be happy in the future, once we finally get what want. Do whatever it takes, the thinking goes, and it will all be worth it in the end.

Unfortunately, the present moment is all there ever is. No one can live outside of this very moment. Any projection into that future day is just a movie in the head. It's NOT REAL.

The priority should be to feel good and happy right now. And it should be an urgent priority at that.

Living day after day in the mind-state of future goals only conditions the brain to hurry through each day as quickly as possible. Just check it off the list as one day closer to that party next week. One less day to that possible promotion. One less day to retirement. One less day until death.

It seems harmless until you consider that our brains are like freaking sponges and soak up whatever we give to it. By being in this mind-state for years and years, I truly believe that people condition their brain become bitter and decrepit. They look back and are mad that the false promise didn't work. Reaching their goal never materialized true happiness.

THE COLD TRUTH

No matter what goal it is that is realized, whether it's becoming a billionaire or a mega celebrity, the salvation will always be a bar of soap slipping out of grasp. The money would certainly provide for a better lifestyle but riding around in a helicopter or living in a mansion doesn't fill the empty cup inside most of us.

The party always ends

Even a future event, like an awesome party next week, will ultimately be a let-down because it will end. And then real life comes back. On Monday you go back to work. The party will only then be a memory, a story in the head.

To make “being happy” and “fulfilled” a priority is tough. It's completely vague. Where do you even start? I'm pretty sure humans have been trying to figure it out since the discovery of language. It's not an easy answer.

I say, instead of trying to find self-esteem, it may just be better to know what doesn't work.

Looking to the future to bring us peace? That just isn't it.

Just Show Up

"Eighty percent of success is showing up" -Woody Allen

My motto in life is “Just show up”.

As a recovering perfectionist, my biggest struggle in life is terror of creating something that won't meet my ideal standards.

The paradox is that in order to create high quality stuff, you have to go through long periods of crappy quality creating.

This blog will attest to that. I will rarely write something that I am super proud of (like my piece on “Wishing things were different” or “Motivation Re-Defined” or “Authentic Communication”).  I rarely feel like writing when I sit down in front of the computer.  Before writing this I sat in front of a blank screen wondering what to write.

But every day I open  up the computer screen because I:

1. Know I could potentially create something amazing
2. Will continue to improve if I just write something, anything
3. Will, by the end of the 30 minutes of writing, be completely engrossed in what I'm doing
4. Will be content when I finish because I followed through on my commitment

It will be interesting to see where my writing will be in a year but I'm willing to bet it will be markedly better.  And in 5 years?  It'll be stellar beyond what I can probably even imagine.

But that's a sexy idea to think about.  Results are sexy.  The process of getting there?  Not quite.

The reason so few people can reach that "mastery level" of creation is because it's not sexy to do something day in and day out without clearly getting better.  It feels like banging your head on a wall expecting it to eventually bust through.

The better metaphor for the situation is Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption escaping prison by chipping away at tiny pieces of rock EVERY SINGLE NIGHT in his jail cell for years.

It is not an appealing prospect to think of achieving success like this but it's simply the reality I see played back to me over and over again.

So if I am going to show up every day and write, I have to accept that some days I will write some shitty content.  It means I show up regardless of how I feel.  Because if I show up only when I feel like, I rarely will.  That means I will show up and give half-ass efforts at times, but I'll do it because preservation of the habit is supreme to everything else.

I think having high standards is an honorable choice to make, but in reality, I see it holding people back.  It's important to strive to be great and to push ourselves to be as awesome as we can be, but the bottom line, in my opinion, is that showing up is fundamental.

Not being perfect sounds like a good excuse.  Actually, I'd say it is a great excuse.  But excuses are always just really clever rationalizations for avoiding doing something.  In the end our brains are really lazy and can come up with any reason not to do something.

Instead, I think it's better to accept being imperfect and just go on with striving to be a high quality creator in whatever form it is.

People will tell you that you aren't good enough or aren't talented enough but following the motto of just showing up will shut up these critics.....over time.

So either this will be a weird cryptic prediction of the future of my writing (and a great example of how to create high quality content) or it will be an epic display of failure on my part and how I am wrong wrong wrong.

Either way it should be interesting.

:-)

[Feel free to leave a comment!  It's open to anyone and no registration is required!]

Inertia of the Mind

This morning I awoke to a splitting headache.

A seven day stretch of work and lack of sleep culminated into today's pounding skull.  My body was doing its regular "Slow Down Andy" routine.

This is not an ideal situation for productivity.  Instead of jumping out of bed and getting right into the day's tasks (such as cleaning the apartment, getting dressed, figuring out what needs to be done that day) I did my best imitation of a slug.  Minus the sliminess.

I sat in bed with my computer on my lap in a daze.  Halfway between conscious and unconscious, I spent about an hour just flipping around the internet.  Truth be told, while most of it was just stories about last night's presidential election, it was a total waste of time.  Worst of all, what started as a "I'll just check one or two news stories" ended up being 10 or so different articles topped with a couple videos.

And it ended up perpetuating the slug mode even more.

SLUG MODE?  REALLY?
How in the world is it possible to get into lazy slug mode?

This has frustrated me for the longest time; the fact that I have the capability to be both highly motivated in one instance and utterly lazy in another.

I've set high goals for myself and being lazy is a real issue.  For once, there is a vested interest to get to the root of the problem.

Well, recently it has started to make sense.  I'd like to think of it as "mind inertia".

MIND INERTIA?  REALLY?
Mind inertia is just some funky word I completely pulled out of my ass.  Busted.

But it illustrates the idea that our minds are similar to a big freight train; they both need a great deal of energy to stop and get started.

Think of TV watching.  Once you've started watching television for an hour, how likely is it that you are going to be able to press the off button?

Think about that.  Your sitting on a soft couch.  Maybe you're underneath a blanket.  Your mind has become used to the different flashing images and stimulus that is video.  To contemplate doing something else, say to go exercise or read a book, is not going to seem appealing.

It's because your brain has readily adapted to what you're doing.

GETTING OUT OF MY SLUG MODE
So this morning my brain had really dug it's claws into being lazy.

I remember thinking, as I lay there on my bed, that the window for being productive was getting smaller as the time passed.  At some point, the energy to get myself to accomplish all the goals for the day (like to write this post) were going to get rationalized away.

So, just like jumping into a cold pool, I shut the lid of my computer mid-video.  It was much harder than it sounds.

Being that today is a workout day, I stumbled around the room getting workout clothes on and packing up my backpack.  I proceeded to head out the door feeling like complete shit.  But I made a promise to myself long ago that I won't miss workout days and so my legs carried me to the gym.

And the craziest thing happened.

The workout was not only great but I left the gym feeling energized and ready to tackle the day.  The headache was gone and it was a a prime lesson in following through on commitments regardless of how I feel.

I shed the slug mode for a productive suit in a matter of an hour.  But it wasn't easy.

CHANGING TRACKS
In my mind, there is only one true way to break free from laziness and wasted energy; to take action.

This morning it meant to close my computer lid.  Then to get on my workout clothes.  Then to walk to the gym.  You get the point.

This isn't groundbreaking by any means, but it is a simple solution to a difficult problem.

But I wasn't looking for a quick fix to the problem.  I wasn't looking for some motivational gimmick that was going to give me energy to do something.  I knew the only route from point A to point B was me providing the spark.

ABOUT TAKING ACTION...
And when I say take action, I mean taking action:

• regardless of emotion
• every day
• that focuses your mind's attention

Take action regardless of emotion because if you avoid doing something because you're tired, you'll never ever do it.  If it's being tired one day, it'll be muscle cramps the next.  Or a headache.  Or because you deserve a day off.  And suddenly you haven't done it in months.

Taking action every day conditions the brain to break free of whatever current activity it's "used to" on a regular basis.  As a habit, not as a gimmicky trick, every-day action builds up that mental muscle that is able to press the off button on the TV when you know you need to go work out.  Done every day it only gets easier over time.

Taking action that focuses your mind's attention means participating in an activity where your brain is forced to focus on a particular task.  Basically, this means an activity that doesn't allow for passive attention (ahem, television).  However, it very well could be washing the dishes.

Oh yes I did.

For me, that has been some of the basic patterns I follow for having more control over my mind.

Because that's really what it is; me vs. myself (see left).  Or you vs. your mind.

 There will always be two opposing forces in your head, one that wants to relax and chill, and the other that is energetic and hungry to go after it's goals.  Knowing how to access the latter is quite an amazing thing.  But it's very hard.

Kind of like getting a freight train started.

Embrace the Chaos

Is there ever a good reason to seek out chaos and drama?

I say yes.

Common wisdom says “Avoid drama and chaos. You don't need any more added stress in your life.”

Oh really?

Any athletic endeavor is complete chaos. Team sports like football and basketball exemplify this to a high degree due to their fast paced and complicated nature. To the untrained eye, it looks like a scramble of chaotic movements.

Yet so many athletes report a universal transcendence of time, of a completely feeling of present-moment peace that defies a simple explanation. Instead of being a stress filled environment, it has a peaceful sanctuary

HOW DOES THIS WORK?

I personally feel that any profession or endeavor which includes chaos, high pressure and drama creates an opportunity for an individual; grow or die.

If people yelling at each other is too much for you, then being a trader on a stock exchange floor won't work. That is your limitation.

Or you can decide that you'll figure out a way to re-define the hectic nature that a trader profession would be and grow to enjoy the chaos. Sounds crazy but people do it all the time. Some people even find it to be their “sanctuary of peace”. No shit.

“But some people are just meant to be/genetically designed to be/were raised to be a stock trader/basketball player/politician” some will say.

There is no denying that certain people will fit in easier in these roles from their upbringing or whatever.

Then there were others who saw what they wanted, decided they will have to do whatever to get there and forced themselves to mold into whatever the situation required of them.

THINKING ABOUT POLITICS

Imagine millions of people hating on you, talking shit about you, openly mocking you and criticizing everything you say. You have the notion of what it's like to be a politician.

Who would want to deal with all that bullshit? Who wants to deal with all that drama? Who has tough enough skin to even handle that?

Not me, that's for sure. But I guarantee anyone who really wants to become that politician; you'll have to learn to deal with it. And odds are good that you'll be better for it.

The key idea here is that if a person wants to be a politician badly, they will accept the craziness involved.

Not a single person sees the craziness and says "Yeah I don't mind that", it's just that people see being a congressman/president as worth going through all the bullshit.  

My personal belief is that this situation can lead someone to become more awesome but it's clear that not everyone does become self-fulfilled or whatever.  There are plenty of politicians who just become more jaded and cranky.

But that goes to how people handle the new stress....

DEALING WITH THE CHAOS

In order to deal in these highly chaotic environments, there has to be a coping mechanism. And those come in healthy and unhealthy forms.

It seems like the most common answer to stress is alcohol. Cracking open a bottle of wine after a hard day at work seems harmless but it cannot be a long-term strategy for dealing with discomfort. So drinking is not a healthy coping mechanism.

A healthy coping mechanism is to stop taking yourself seriously. If massive amounts of people are hating on you (common as a leader in politics, business or even in a social circle) then why not just let go of needing people's approval? It's free and has no downside. It's not as appealing because it's not a quick-fix; it takes a long time to sink in.

Whatever approach a person takes to dealing with the stress from a chaotic environment will always fall under two categories; either unhealthy (short-term thinking like drugs/alcohol/spending money) or healthy (long-term regenerative stuff like deep personality changes/healthy habit changes/mental re-framing).

Both will work for a time, but the healthy approach will lead to a long lasting solution.

LIVE IN THE CHAOS

The aim of this article is not to go searching for chaos and drama. Far from it.

Instead, don't avoid situations because you have pigeon-holed yourself into a perfect little box of “Who you are”. Who you are is bullshit, a mind-made little fantasy that just wants to keep finding more and more reasons to justify not trying new “scary” things.

Maybe you would like to throw yourself directly into discomfort by trying your hand at Improv comedy. Chances are good you will suck but hey....don't you think you might just love it?

To me, chaos and drama are like a purifying elixir that will force me to stop being a little whiny bitch. It forces me to stop trying to hope for a life that is filled with relaxation and everything being perfect. Life is about dealing with all the uncertainty that is thrown at you every single day.

If it can inspire someone to finally go after that job/goal/leadership position they've always wanted, then that is the whole point.

Pain is Good

I've come to really appreciate pain at this point in my life.

Not physical pain (that's fucking weird haha) but the mental and emotional pain that comes with growing up and REALLY realizing that you are responsible for yourself at the end of the day.

This process is a universal one and we all have to go through it at different points in our lives.

The problem is this; are you going to live in the pain or are you going to avoid it?

Living in the pain means acknowledging it for what it is. It means not personalizing it. It means not wallowing in, but wading in it.

The opposite is avoidance. The pain causes you to drink, eat or watch TV excessively. Stimulation in all it's forms can keep you from having to deal with this real pain......until it doesn't anymore. Maybe I can even pretend that there really isn't a problem at all. Self-deception works. Until it doesn't.

Real world example; I avoided regularly flossing for a long time.

I would floss here and there but not nearly as much as I should. Some people can get away with flossing less but I certainly cannot because I have some sort of weird genetic condition where my gums will wear away over time.

The last dentist checkup was an alarming one as their routine procedures produced lots of bleeding and decent amounts of pain. After wards, the dentist sat with me and told me the grotesque things that will happen over time if I continue to avoid flossing regularly.

I sat there like a child who hadn't done his homework. I was ashamed and could think of all the excuses in the world but knew that I was the problem.

It was painful to hold myself accountable. It was painful to get a reality check on myself. I am not the disciplined person I thought I was. I was letting things slip.

 And I waded in the pain. It made me think. It made me get my shit together (flossing regularly as of right now).

This is a few orders of magnitude lower than some of the most painful areas of life. For those whose health is at risk because of obesity, they know all too well of the very acute pain it brings. To accurately pinpoint where you are at means you have to hold yourself accountable. To be held accountable means you will be faced with the fact that you aren't quite the person you thought you were.

But it's the only way to move forward.

Here's the thing....

...I am not one for wishy-washy motivation quotes or “Go get'em” speeches. I'm more of a practical approach type of guy.

So when I say that there is hope in light of pain it is simply this; once you face the pain, it dissolves away.

Instead of pain, you will feel a refreshing clarity that can bring you to where you need to go.

This sounds incredibly wishy-washy but it's simply been the truth for me. When I realized that I was getting fat I was honest with myself. I didn't get mad or feel bad (maybe I did a little) but I said “this is the situation, where do I go from here?”

It was hard to admit that I slipped. I held myself in high regard up until that point. But I got a reality check and moved on.

Facing the pain is a powerful concept to grasp. But it is no magic pill.

Life is fucking hard. It is really tough. Bad things happen. There are always setbacks. People will deceive you. In other words, this isn't going to solve your problems immediately.

It is just something that can get the gears moving in the right direction.

So when we accept pain and let it run it's course, it doesn't mean your life will dramatically improve. That doesn't make sense. But it will give you a starting place.

The Beauty in Growth

Growing is pretty sweet.

Yes, the growth of an adolescent to adult is an amazing thing.  Same with the building of a skyscraper.

However, the type of growth I'm talking about isn't physical. It's usually only observable. It can't always be measured.

That's definitely growth right there.

Like when someone get's their finances in order. Or decides to quit smoking. Or makes an effort to stop avoiding confrontation. Or tries to be more social. Or attempts to meditate consistently. Or wants to make more money through a side job.

That's the kind of personal growth that rocks.

Like everything though, there is a dark side. It usually rears itself through unhappiness and ambition.

I would never ever consider working hard towards a goal to be a bad thing, but there are very many ambitious people who I don't want to aspire to be.

The difference is at the most basic level. Are you trying to get your finances in order so that other people will finally respect you? Are you doing it so that you can allow yourself to feel good at the end of it all?

Or are you doing it because it's a challenge? Because you feel like learning something new is fun? Maybe you just want to try something different.

These two approaches are completely opposed to one another.

One comes from a state of trying to “add something”. It is saying that you feel incomplete. Once you reach the goal you will find that elusive completeness.

The other approach says you feel good but are interested in challenging yourself for the sake of challenging yourself. If you feel like it will be a great opportunity to learn about yourself, about what gets you going and what makes you ticks, then you are probably coming from a better place.

Chances are good that you are coming from a place that is in between.

You feel that going after XYZ goal will add a dimension of peace or happiness to your life (that isn't there) but also are excited at a new challenge. It is rarely 100% one way or the other.

Yes, this picture has nothing to do with this post.  Or does it?

Besides, coming from a place of incompleteness can lead you to that second place. Becoming a workaholic to make more money (which is perceived as more happiness) can lead a person to burn out. Burning out can lead you to see that life is short and that it's not worth it to give your life to your job. From there, motivations change and you can strive after what makes you happy and energized.

So in the end improving yourself in any way shape or form is a good thing. It doesn't matter what it is or where you're coming from or if you're doing it for all the wrong reasons. 

Those are all just excuses for inaction anyway.

Focus Is Everything

If I asked you right now to stop and explain all the things on your mind at this current moment, what would you say?

Chances are good you'd have a lot going through your mind.

You've got bills due soon. You didn't sleep much last night so maybe you'll go to bed early tonight. Maybe you're thinking about a troubling conversation that you had with your boss today. Maybe your thinking about eating cheesecake (num num).

What do you spend your time focused on?

On some level you are splitting your focus between all these thoughts (and probably more). You figure that if you can just split your thinking between a bunch of different things, you'll be able to best handle them.

And that works. To a degree.

On a day to day basis most of us can get by. Granted it tends to be a less than ideal existence as we move farther away from experiencing the joy of 'not thinking'; what I like to think of as true relaxation.

But we get by. The bills get paid.  We continue to make a living. We wake up to another day. It works.

The truth is though, it really doesn't.

What I have noticed most consistently with not only myself but others is that it really defers life in a big way. It begins to put life in a perspective of passing events rather than of spontaneity and real happiness.  It sucks the joy and the wonder out.

This condition of a scattered brain prevents you from focusing on the rather important things like your health. Your important relationships. Improving yourself. Improving your financial situation. Practicing some skill or talent.

The list is really freakin' long of all the stuff we want to do. But we all promise to do them in the future when we “have the time” or the money. Sadly, I can't tell you how many people tell me that they wished they had travel when they we're younger, a perfect example of 15-20 years going by and deferring life.

My guess is that there is certainly a good amount of reasons that contribute to why so many of us aren't doing what we really want to be doing. I can't help but see a big whopping contributor to be the lack of focus, which is probably more accurately felt as this idea of being scatterbrained.

Think about all those thoughts that go through your head on a daily basis. All those side thoughts like “Maybe I could open my own restaurant” or “Maybe I could lose 20 pounds” appear to you at some level.

These are important thoughts that are telling you something. They are poking at you to get attention. They are saying that maybe there is something you need to change. It is how people decide one day they want to stop smoking. They get those little stabs of ideas in their heads that something needs to change.

If they are as scatterbrained as the average person, these little sprouting seeds are ignored. They are quickly shoved away by the 8,000 other things that need to be done. “I have to think about this weekend's party so it will be perfect! I'll worry about X,Y,Z issue later” is probably a rather telling and realistic thing someone could justify to themselves in this situation (As if some party is every really that important in the long perspective of your life anyways).

"Someday when I have time" is a mythical world....kind of like Pandora.

These comically urgent events in life are often assumed to be the most important but they often are not.  We can run around all day pretending that these things we are doing will bring us to a future point where we can finally relax. But we never ever get there. We're always waiting and always striving to reach this mythical place.

Being able to enjoy life requires something less obvious than more money or time. It comes down to something anyone can do and most people could mistake as trivial.

And it comes down to focus.

Being able to focus improves not only your ability to retain information (which is obviously a pretty cool benefit alone) but it can help you experience a very vivid and beautiful life. I'm not talking about that Zen/Buddha BS where you will somehow find Nirvana (or maybe it is, who knows?). It's the pure fact that you can focus on what you are doing in the moment and not stuck in your head thinking about future events.

By the way just think about this: if you are thinking about future events you are basically not living in reality. You are living in a mind made movie that isn't even real (it's in your head).  It like trying to watch to different episodes of a TV show at the same time. You can't really take in both.

That is really kind of weird to think about. But it is just the reality of life these days.

(Gotta love all this existential angst, right? What a modern luxury.)

I know that all these ideas I'm talking about are true because it is very true to how I live my life. I go through periods of scatter-brained-ness a lot and then have to pull myself back to a more balanced and relaxed way of living. It isn't a bad thing at all. Every time it happens it reveals why this idea of focus is so damn important.

It's not even worth getting all down on yourself about. It's simply something to recognize and realize change is needed. If you start thinking your worthless because you can't focus you'll just make the problem worse. Recognize the problem and find a solution.

Here are just a couple ways I find focus. Notice they are far from complicated and don't require intelligence:

• Cut Back On Commitments
  • If you feel overwhelmed with all you responsibilities, it's a really good sign that you are overextended in your commitments. What can you cut back on? Sure, people might be mad that you didn't show up to a get together but life is real friggin' short dude. Stop wasting time and do what you want to do.
• Cut Back on the TV
  • Don't worry, if you turn off the TV or don't get to watch your regular TV shows, you won't suddenly be an outcast because you can't discuss it with your co-workers. And plenty of stuff goes on this world without you so don't worry, you won't miss out. Try cutting back on TV and replace that with a good book or some other relaxing activity.
• Focus on your Breathing
  • If this is too new-agey for you then you've never tried it. Take some deep breaths. Focus on your breathing. Most people (I'm the biggest culprit) take short breaths that don't get enough oxygen into the body. Try taking a deep breath and tell me that it doesn't feel great. It's cheaper than drugs/alcohol too.
• Write/Paint/Sing/Dance/Exercise/Compete/Create
  • Wow, I definitely had not thought about this as something that helps focus but all these activites are actually tremendous. Anytime you use your body to create art or perform you are working at getting outside your head.  Creation helps to direct your focus at making something.  Exercising helps you do what you are evolutionarily designed to do: move around and (ideally) be outside. Competition is putting yourself out there, you could lose.  It's exciting and it brings you out of your head and you will feel a vivid sense of aliveness that can rival any drug.
• Sleep
  • So many people go to the doctor and can't figure out what's going on with them. The doctor probably won't ask about there diet (more on that next) or their sleep patterns. There is usually a diagnosis made without these two critical aspects of a human's health that aren't even factored into the equation. But sleep makes a huge difference. If you find yourself scattered take a nap. Make your number one priority to catch up on sleep. It could mean all the difference in the world.
• Eat Better
  • I'm impartial here as a big nutrition geek but I can't tell you how many anecdotal examples there are of people feeling amazing once they start eating more whole foods. It's actually my favorite comment my clients make. But it works because this type of eating gives your body what it is designed to eat.  I would estimate that this could be one of the most important things you can do to help with not only your focus but your energy on a day to day basis.

These are just things that I thought of on the fly. Anything works, but if you cannot even realize that you can't focus then you'll never be able to make the shift.

So I challenge you (and myself) to make it a focus (haha) to focus.

I guess the only question remains though is are you going to make a change now or in the future when you "have time". You know, that future place that doesn't really exist.

Slow down.

And focus.

Playing With Boundaries

Most of our behavior is pretty (boring-ly) straight-forward.

On a day to day basis, most of us don't go outside our comfort zone.  We know exactly how to act to attract the least/most attention and going outside those known behaviors is a pretty scary thing.  It get's us from point A to point B, so we must be doing something right, right?

The only problem is that we don't exert any self-pressure to go beyond where we are at.  Talking to strangers, practicing the art of light banter, standing up for yourself, telling someone what you truly think, truly listening while someone is speaking and so on are all activities that will make you learn and grow.

But most people won't do them.  Shoot, even I wish I did a better job at that.

In a way, that's the whole point: going outside the comfort zone everyday is important.

Without it we all get complacent.  We take things for granted.  We know exactly what to expect.  No surprises.

Think about it from another perspective.  In fact, think of something you are really good at.  It should be a skill or talent that you excel at or have passion for.

I know for me, I never thought I'd be able to get the basic skills of being a barista at Starbucks.  In the beginning it all seemed so complicated.  I eventually got it.

Anyway, do you remember what it was like when you first started learning how to do that thing?  Do you remember being a complete newbie and feeling like you would never get to where you are now?  What do you remember?  Anything specific?

Chances are good that those memories are pretty vivid.  Chances are good because when you are out of your comfort zone, you are intensely alive.  You are completely aware of your surroundings and acutely aware of every moment.  While you may not have known it at the time, you were actually in the zone.

It's a pretty sweet place to be.  We just can't see it at the time.

So I think pushing yourself to do something (just one thing) that is uncomfortable and out of character  every day is something we are all missing.

I know I can vouch for myself.

Getting Out of My Head

"The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them." 
— Paulo Coelho (Author of The Alchemist)

From my perspective, one of the most important things I've learned is that problems can't always be "thought" through.  Like most people, I always assumed that when I hit a road block, it was time to put on my thinking cap and just think harder.  Through mental strain and focused concentration, I will eventually bust through and come up with a revelation.  Seems to make sense, right?

But the mind is an interesting thing; it doesn't really work that way.  Let me demonstrate through three examples:

1. Fighting with a spouse/friend.  Think of the emotions, of the thoughts that occupy your headspace.  If you're being honest, you'd have to say that most of them are repetitive and useless.  Many times you are proving to yourself over and over that you are right.  When emotions are involved this is especially true.  This ends up hardening some people and leads to physical violence or just the end of many salvable relationships.
2. When you are nervous to talk to someone.  Normally, I find myself getting nervous when talking to a beautiful woman or someone else who has value (the boss of a company who I'd very much like to work for).  On some level when I interact with either of these two people I am "going into my head" in order to pre-plan what I am going to say, or just to play the mental movie of what could happen.  This tends to make the interaction feel a bit "off" and the natural rythym of human interaction just doesn't feel right. 
3. Solving some difficult math problem or any analytical type problem that needs intense focus.  This strategy provides that you go into your head to make the connections.  Oftentimes you can spend long periods of time in intense focus to realize the answer was very simple.  Overthinking actually was the source of the problem and could have used some "right-brain" thinking, at least in the sense to help re-charge the left brain.

All three of these scenarios (despite not having any perceived commonalities) bring to the light my idea that thinking doesn't solve all problems.  Sure, our brains are pretty friggin' cool, I mean we have conquered the Earth in ways no animal can come close to, but human ingenuity has some big blind spots.  And that blind spot is that thinking = always good.

THOUGHT IS GREAT, BUT...

The whole notion that thinking equates intelligence is just plain wrong.  Yes, human thought has created modern medicine and skyscrapers, but it also had a big part in the holocaust and all the wars in which millions of people have needlessly died.  So let's agree to put that to rest.

Obviously, there must be some alternative.  There must be a way to think but in a useful way, which keeps us from getting in our own way.

GETTING OUT OF MY HEAD (the alternative)
The idea of not being in my head, or not thinking, really is a misnomer; it doesn't mean I actually stop thinking.  It means I'm not trying to think, I let it happen.  I wrote about "being like water", and really that would be the perfect example.

You are using your thinking brain but not forcing it.  It's a balancing act.

In the example of fighting with your spouse, you have to be able to have some perspective on the situation, but your thoughts keep you trapped in heat of the moment.  Being nervous in social situations is caused by some form of performance anxiety, or because you place a really high value on the outcome of the interaction.  Instead, let go of the myriad of thoughts reinforcing how important this conversation is and let go of expectations.  Just see what happens.  The math problem does require you to think, and it could be solved but your analytic brain is overly stressed.  It needs a break.

But no, oftentimes we choose to bang our heads against the wall.  We choose the repetitive (useless) thoughts control us and tell us we are right, that our spouse is wrong, and that all this math problem needs is more thinking.  Or that I can plan out an entire conversation in my head so everything will go better.

It's funny because none of these ever work, yet we all keep trying them over and over.

NOT THINKING DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE A ZOMBIE
Look, the one counterexample that will make most people oppose the idea of "not thinking" is because they will equate it with being a zombie.  Or a drooling retard.  Which is silly.

Look, getting out of your head simply means you use the immense power of thinking, not letting it use you.  The way I describe no-thinking can also be described as a super-relaxed state in which everything just flows right and it never feels like you are straining for any outcome of anything.  But yet everything works out so well.  Some people call it "being in the zone".

And this is why it is so hard to describe.  Because thinking about it won't help you get there.


STRATEGIES TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD
The easiest ways to get away from repetitive thought are often seemingly simple.  But they are powerful when done correctly.

• Sleep 
• Can't we all relate to this?  You can be really sad/mad about something so much that it ruins your day, but is cured by a good nights rest.
• Take an Active Break
• Whenever I get stuck or get angry I take a break or walk away.  But I have found the best breaks are ones where I go and do something that involves my active attention.  It can literally be as easy as calling an old friend and catching up or playing sodoku.  A laugh here or a good feeling there has been the perfect cure for getting out of my head.
• Write/Paint/Create
• Whenever angst pops it's head up, I write.  I write everything out, all my feelings.  And it almost always helps.  I think half of it comes from the fact that I am clarifying my thoughts, but the other half is that my brain is actively participating and it's attention is focused on some productive medium.  That's why I could imagine that painters or photographers could also share that feeling as well.
• Bitch and Complain
• Yes, bitching and complaining can have their purpose.  Obviously, it should be done as consturctively as possible.  Many times when I am mad, I will complain to a friend in order to just air my thoughts and have my friends tell me what they think.  That way, I can't keep the same thought loops going over and over and over and over which serve to just make me feel worse.
• Be Silly/Out of Character
• While this sounds dumb, it actually works.  When I find myself nervous in social situations or anything, I do something that is super-embarassing, something that is really out of character for me.  I'll start barking like a dog or imitating a chicken (Yes, I'm serious).  While I feel like an ass, it helps to loosen me up.  All those feelings of fear that you will look really dumb will come true and they end up not being nearly as bad.  After imitating a chicken, my mind frees up and I can usually move forward with a more clear focus on the present situation.

SIMPLE WISDOM
Going back to the quote that leads into this post, many times the most simple of things actually contain the most wisdom.  Let go of thinking is simple and is completely counter-intuitive to what common knowledge has taught us.  But my experience has led me to believe that it can be pretty friggin' awesome.

I can only speak for myself that it has made a big difference in bettering my life.  I don't see why it can't be true for everybody else.

Be Like Water

Ok so I have to admit, I am in to Zen and Eastern philosophical type teachings. I'm not sure what that means, but I basically read a lot about it and aspire to be more Zen-like in my life.

Why? Because it's fucking awesome, that's why.

So I can't help but share a nugget of wisdom that I think really is powerful and yet so simple.

The phrase I'm talking about?

“Be Like Water”

Yes, the simple statement “be like water” holds so much truth that it blows my freakin' mind. I can only imagine how seemingly stupid and simple it can be on the surface. So, with pun intended, let's dive right in.

THE COOLNESS OF WATER

Take the actual substance of water, with it's simple chemical makeup of one oxygen and two hydrogen atoms, and remember it's important qualities. It is a universal solvent, relatively moderate freezing and boiling points, the fact that it is necessary for life on earth and it has a comparitively low viscosity (making it flowing quickly down a river). Basically, it's good to remember that water is one pretty sweet molecule, to say the least.

Now imagine a river, it can be your favorite river if you'd like, and think of the water flowing through it. Imagine how effortlessly and smoothly it flows over rocks and through the landscape. It takes the path of least resistance through the terrain. Because water simply “is”, it follows the basic rules of gravity.

So what the hell does that have to do with anything?

AS A MINDSET

The whole concept of being like water is more about your mental head-space than anything else. Seeing as water is not rigid, neither should your mind be. Water does not resist what is in front of it and neither should humans.

Essentially, not resisting things as they are is the key idea.

The easiest example would be to take your daily commute or drive. If you have extensible experience in driving, you know that you eventually will get stuck behind Grandma or have some idiot on your ass. These occurences are inevitable, that is just the way things are. This is the situation right in front of you.

So what happens in this situation? You get mad. You are upset because the Grandma should know better than to drive so slow. Maybe the fact that old people are driving just pisses you off. The idiot behind you is clearly in the wrong, and somehow you will telepathically change his behavior by being upset. You are mad because you have a different idea of how things should be.

Basically the way things are is not compatible at all with the way things should be (at least in our heads) and that friction causes a lot of anxiety and anger. Substitute driving for an annoying neighbor, lazy co-worker, bad service at a restaurant and you can see that all the situations are fundamentally no different.

ACCEPT WHAT IS AND MOVE FORWARD

When we encounter these situations and feel the anger or anxiety, it's important to remember that it's a good time to practice acceptance. Accepting that this is the challenge presented is a simple shift in thinking that doesn't take willpower or anything special, it is just looking at Grandma in front of you without any negative emotions and moving from there.

It means you don't have to go through the arguments in your head of “how wrong this lady is” or “why old people shouldn't be driving” or “why this happens to you ever day” or whatever silly arguments you have in your head that you are right and the situation that is in front of you is wrong.

To continually have those arguments in your head is a complete waste of energy and, chances are, a generally unhealthy way to go around your short time on earth. Who wants to go around their entire life being bitter that things aren't going the way it should be according to them? Not me. I'm guessing not you either.

THEN MOVE FORWARD

So when we talk about being like water, it's not that you should just do what someone else tells you to do or somehow ignore that Granny is slow. Accept that Grandma can't find the gas pedal and find a good time to pass her. Or if you can't pass her, use the opportunity to enjoy the beautiful weather, the song on the radio, or take a few deep breaths to practice being in the moment. Don't resist the moment, take what is in front of you and make the best of it.

Many times where I am stuck behind Grandma, I have found it useful to take a second to remember that this is a great opportunity to practice patience. Or maybe it's a great time to practice focus. It really doesn't matter. All I know is that I want to spend as little time in my life being upset, anxious or angry and that seems the best way to go about it.

THE CONTINUAL PROCESS OF LEARNING

However, many times I have found myself getting extremely upset in both examples, even though I am a supposedly “enlightened” one who knows how to “be like water”. Usually it comes in the form of something I am not used to experiencing. For example, I work in retail and am used to a certain level of disrespect or general rudeness from customers and have learned to let it go and not let it affect my mental state.

But from time to time someone will come in and just really surprise me with a dickish comment or attitude. Sometimes I get upset and sometimes I remember to view this as just another lesson to practice patience and acceptance. But I am certainly not perfect and have not “mastered” being like water. That is not the point.

To be more accepting is something you practice constantly to the day you die and while you will definitely get better at it, it is useless to attempt to master it. It's way cooler to mess up and laugh at the fact that you get mad over such trivial things.

KEEP IT SIMPLE

Don't over think this whole thing. It's not meant to be taken super seriously or even call out other people on their “resistance to the moment”. That would be dumb. The whole idea here is that getting all worked up over really trivial things (like traffic) is foolish. It's not worth it to get upset over it, yet we all find ourselves doing it. To remind yourself to be like water is simply looking at things through a different paradigm, one that I have found to be much more useful. I hope you can find it enlightening as well.

Earth: A Moving Experience

I can't help but be inspired by any picture of the Earth from space.

Yes, the vivid blues and whites are no doubt beautiful, but there is just something more to it. In that beautiful intersection between art and science, I find that staring at the big blue spaceship we ride on to be a spiritual experience.

It seems so obvious to me that Earth is an inspiring little thing to look. But let's go down the list here.

Our planet is just close enough to the sun to keep us warm. Any closer and our water would boil and there goes life on planet Earth. If we were any farther away, the water would turn to ice and again, life becomes extremely difficult in these conditions.

Water is so abundant on our planet. Just look at all the blue. It's a bunch. Over two thirds of the earth's surface is covered by this rather simple molecule that makes life possible.

It's ozone layer, which you can see very distinctly from most pictures taken in low earth orbit, protects us from a great deal of the dangers that the vacuum of space is filled with.

To think that close to 7 billion people are running around, waking up, sleeping, working, crying, loving, writing, wondering, thinking and living on that little ball is unfathomable. Each human being supported by the fruits of the mothership, planet Earth.

And that's why I am so moved every time I see a picture of Earth from space.  That's why when I see it in a magazine, or a doctor's office, I stop for a second and lose myself in it.

When you know all the crazy things there are to know about the little old rock we live on, it makes it seem just a little more amazing. And then when you get to see it in all it's glory, it really hits home that we are a bunch of lucky mother fuckers to have experienced life on it.

My Experience With Time Management

Most of my friends wouldn't know this, but I work A LOT on my computer.

You see, for the past 4 months, I have been tirelessly working to make myself passive income online. That's a whole other thing that I could blab on and on about, but let's stay on track here.

You see, I spend a great deal of time online (in front of my laptop), and the idea of productivity and just general use of time has been pretty cool topic to learn about and try. I've read everything under the sun about time management and how to work efficiently, so I feel like sharing my findings.

First you should know that I love love love testing out everything in my life. I like trying every new way to organize, eat, work out, talk, and everything in between. So yeah, this is from my extensive trials of test and error.

My "insights":

• A Task Will Take As Much Time As You Plan  For It
• This is a BIG ONE. The time you set out in your head to do something, is exactly how much time it will take. If I tell you to write me a 1000 word paper about “how to grow flowers in a garder” in an hour, the odds are it will take you somewhere close to an hour. Now, if I tell you to write the same article in a half hour, it will probably take you the same time. And possibly even better quality.  
• I certainly have no stastical proof to show but I have observed it to be the truth. When I sit down in front of the computer in order to do work, oftentimes there has to be strict limits about a.)how much time I am going to spend, b.) what needs to get done and c.) what needs to be finished by the time I'm done. Sometimes I miss the mark, A LOT. Sometimes I have really crappy final products because I needed to spend more time on it. But that's just how it goes.  I can usually do a lot more work in less time than I think.  It's really just a learning thing.
•  Planning Out Every Minute of Your Day Sucks
• Yeah I did that. To be honest it wasn't that difficult. But what began to happen is that I was starting to become a robotic decider that made decisions of going out for fun based on how many leisure hours I had left for the week. This is tough because I was super-productive when I was tracking and planning my days by half hour intervals, but in the end it was killing spontaneity and brought some unexpected anxiety. It just wasn't for me.
•  There's a System for You
• There's a million and one books out there about time-management. Some of them have quirky little notepads that you keep with you, others have apps you can download to remind you of meetings and to keep track of your hours. Just know that there is no magic bullet, and you should find what works best for you. I say, try as many out as you can and put in the pieces that work, throw out the ones that don't
•  Time is Muey Importante
•  Ok duh, obvious point. So it might be more helpful to say that efficient use of time is muey importante. If you use your time efficiently (doesn't mean obsess over it), you can spend less time with more results. Just because you spend two hours in front of a computer doing research doesn't mean you were productive. A lot of time can be wasted if you are easily distracted. So yeah, time = important.  Goes without saying, but I'll say it.
• Limited Leisure Time?
• My life currently consists of very little leisure time. I don't get to hang out with friends or go to bars because I live far away all of them and choose to save money on gas (this is changing soon, yay!). But for me this leisure/social time is extremely important for my mental health, because I am a social creature. So what I've learned in this area is that things I really enjoy need to be enjoyed. Does that make sense? In other words, if I am going to go out with friends to let loose, I need to let loose. Not be in the bar talking about strategies to get more traffic to my blog. It means getting into “durrr” state and having actual fun.
• No Bigger Waste of Time than TV
•  TV sucks. Anyone who reads this should know my opinion on that. In terms of a time waster I can think of nothing superior. It's not that the actual time spent watching the TV is a waste, it's that after watching the TV, your brain is not in the productive mood. Chances are it's in the “dur” or “caveman” mode, where you are barely above chimpanzee cognition. If you want to toil away endlessly at your goals, keep watching TV. If you want to attempt to reach some crazy goals, turn that shit off.
• Change is Tough
• Love you all but I noticed that whenever I make some big changes I tend to feel certain negative feelings coming from those around me. To be completely honest it's nothing big and I don't resent it, but it's something I've observed. Whether it is saying that I am going to stick my face in my computer instead of hanging out with a buddy, time management can kind of make you seem like an uninterested dick. But shit ain't easy and you have to figure out how to start chipping away at your goals. You just have to be able to say no and figure out how to juggle a normal life with goals.
• Sometimes, You Just Have to Quit
•  There are some things I hate admitting and one of them is that “I can't do every single thing I want to do, at least not all at the same time”. It's just not possible to do everything you want to do at the same time.. You have a finite time in which to accomplish goals. Sometimes you just have to decide which are more important, and narrow down your focus to those goals only. It sucks to quit something, but at the same time you have to be able to use as much mental energy on as few tasks as possible.

There's really a million and one more insightful and cool things I've learned about managing my time. I still am not a great time manager and I could definitely be more productive doing work, but I have come a long way, BELIEVE ME. Where I'm at is a win. No doubt about it.

Why Do We Do What We Do?

Someone recently asked me: "Why do you get out of bed every day?"


What a powerful ass question! (I didn't really have a good answer)


I mean seriously, why the hell do we do what we do everyday?


Why do we go to low wage jobs to rent apartments to hold our flat screen TVs to stimulate our life away to the boobtube?  Or maybe you are more enlightened than that or whatever, but still, why do you do that?


I can't seem to think of a good answer.


One good answer is survival.  You are genetically pre-disposed to "surviving" and spreading your genes.  So everything else you do could very well be a rationalization of that underlying purpose.


Sounds pretty fucking depressing.


I guess it kind of goes into the whole "why are we here" debate that brings religion and science and the big bang theory to the table.  But let's avoid these for the moment.


What if we just exist for the beauty of existence sake?


Deep shit, right?


Life is like a butterfly in that one parable.  You know, the one where a beautiful butterfly lands on your hand. Either you can enjoy the moment for what it is, or you can try to keep the butterfly as a trophy, which leads to the butterfly flying away.


That really seems to be all it is.


We humans are silly in the sense that we apply meaning to everything, but it is through a human paradigm of things.  So the idea of "purpose" is deeply ingrained into our idea of why we exist.  We exist, so we must have a purpose.


It's a great idea but doesn't seem compatible with the universe we occupy.  Look at how the universe and our earth was created, it seems that destruction and ever-fleeting beauty is the ubiquitous theme.



Everything is fleeting.  Everything ends up dissolving.  Every human ends up dying.


So it would make sense that appreciation for existence is what makes us get out of bed every day.  Most people probably would reject this as a truth, but I have a crazy theory that some people are very unconscious to it and just have yet to realize.  Maybe they will realize on their deathbeds, maybe not.


Or maybe I'm wrong.  Who knows.

Taking It All In Stride

Balance is certainly one of the main themes in the universe we habitate.

It's all over the place from magnetic polarities, to the process of our body to maintain homeostasis. It's there for a reason. Learn from it.

I recently learned something about myself (shockingly, I know). I take way too much stock in the emotions of the moment. You know what I'm talking about.

It all started two months ago. I was in an awesome place. I was working out a lot, working on my business, having a fun social life and work was great. Thoughts literally ran through my head like "This is awesome. If life continues this way, I'll have the best life ever". I was on cloud 9.

But then stuff happened. My back started to hurt, limiting my exercise. My business wasn't going as planned. My social life and work were lacking. It felt like I was plugging holes up in the titanic because nothing I was trying to do helped. It started to feel bad. Not only did things kind of suck, but I felt I had "lost" this precious sweet zone that I was occupying.

It's funny because when your on top, it's easy to indulge in the moment. You can (and should) look around and feel great that life is working out. But, like a beautiful butterfly that lands in your hand, the moment you try to grasp it as a possession, you have made it an object. Of course with all possesable objects, loss is nearly unavoidable.

And when life is going good, losing it can be extremely traumatic.

So what I have found is nothing special and easily to applie: take it all in stride.

Taking everything in stride means that when things are going great you can appreciate it for what it is. And when things suck, you don't dwell that life is handing you lemons. You don't have to "make lemonade" but you can just remember that a lemon is just a lemon. Nothing more.

You know that life is cyclical and it will get better. If you are of age to read this then you know better. Even the most cynical among us know this. Things are good, then they suck. Then they are good again. Then something happens and it sucks again.

You can find this wisdom in the quote "This too shall pass".

It's not so bad when you look at from this perspective.

So ride it out and appreciate it for what it is. And like I said, just take it all in stride.

Why I Like Homosexuals

Uh-Oh.

I know I am going to get shit for writing a title like that.

And you know what? Im completely comfortable in saying that.

As a man, it can be difficult to make statements like this. The guy code doesn't allow us to use the words "I like" and "homosexuals" in the same sentence, unless there is a "dont" between "I" and "like". I mean that is a whole other can of worms that I could go into for hours but let me stay on point.

So, let's be honest here: We all like interesting people. We all like people who can make us laugh, be goofy and, most importantly, be themselves. People who are restrained and hold back from who they really are tend to be boring and difficult to connect with. I know I can be as guilty as anyone; too afraid to be different or to stand out that I'm just boring.

Well, in my experience, people who come out of the closet tend to be people who are more connected with themselves in some way (It's a generalization, I know). From my experience in meeting people, gay men and women have a certain comfortablity with themselves.

Now this doesn't mean that they are completely in touch with themselves or perfect people by any means. I guess what I'm saying is I felt that they have a much easier time connecting with others, with finding their own internal values and in general, being social.

I really have to stress here again that it is a generalization, yes, but it is something I have generally picked up on.

So I was thinking about why this is.

I mean haven't you ever met that really flamboyant gay guy who was unafraid of people (in a social sense) or who was obnoxious in public or who just has a really good time with whoever is around them? The flamboyant gay guy can totally be the stereotype. And it's funny because I've met many who are quite completely to the contrary, really quiet guys who are rather afraid to "stir the pot" and offend people.

The thing is though, I was wondering just why this is. Why can some people just do what they want, not caring or giving a fuck what people think?

I have some inklings as to why, but let me draw a comparison from a story I just heard about.

I was reading a book that mentioned the true story of Art Berg, a successful businessman who became quadreplegic after an accident. He lost mobility in his legs and arms (obviously) and eventually was able to use a wheelchair, type with two fingers and dress himself in the morning. He was having a hard time getting a job though. Over the phone the interviewer loved him, but when they actually saw him and his condition they changed their mind. He eventually got a job with IBM doing some sort of sales job and becamse SUPER successful doing that. He eventually started traveling and public speaking making money that way. And as cool as all that is, and as successful as he was by societal standards, the guy just lived an amazing life. Initially doctor's noted that he was exhibiting "excessive happiness" and it probably confused the hell out them. How can this guy be so happy when he just lost the use of almost all his faculties? Well through losing so much he gained something else, some kind of wisdom or enlightenment.

Art Berg lost the use of his body and by doing so lost other things that might have been holding him back before.

He obviously gained some real amazing social skills to be able to be such a great salesman and public speaker.

But seriously, think about it. Your stuck in a wheelchair and can't do any of the old things you were so used to doing before.

So what do you do?

I figure you go down one of two roads. Either you play the victim or you see an opportunity to grow.

I imagine for Art Berg he just said "Well there's really not anything worse than this but death, so fuck it, why be scared of anything." He became a high-value social guy who, I can imagine, had an extremely magnetic personality. He dropped the ego and just did what he wanted.

Now to bring this story back full circle, think of this in terms of someone who has to tell his/her family and friends that he/she is gay. While I'm sure there are plenty of those friends and family members still hold the same respect and love for that individual, but there will always be people who don't approve and plenty of hurt and pain from that. I can tell you from stories I've heard, it can be extremely painful.

So after you've gone through that, through your deepest fears of being judged and hated, you kind of just go "Ehhh, it's not that bad. I'm still alive, I'm still here." You lose those things that hold you back: fear of judgement, fear of acceptance. It's a beautiful thing.

It's something I admire because it's something I struggle with every day of my life.

With that being said, I have the utmost respect anyone who just goes after what they want. I have the utmost respect for people who know what their values are and just go for it. I have the utmost respect who are afraid of what "could happen" and still push through the pain and uncomfortableness. Most importantly I have the utmost respect for people who give themselves permission to live life happily.

And this is why I like homosexuals.