The Beauty in Growth

Growing is pretty sweet.

Yes, the growth of an adolescent to adult is an amazing thing.  Same with the building of a skyscraper.

However, the type of growth I'm talking about isn't physical. It's usually only observable. It can't always be measured.

That's definitely growth right there.

Like when someone get's their finances in order. Or decides to quit smoking. Or makes an effort to stop avoiding confrontation. Or tries to be more social. Or attempts to meditate consistently. Or wants to make more money through a side job.

That's the kind of personal growth that rocks.

Like everything though, there is a dark side. It usually rears itself through unhappiness and ambition.

I would never ever consider working hard towards a goal to be a bad thing, but there are very many ambitious people who I don't want to aspire to be.

The difference is at the most basic level. Are you trying to get your finances in order so that other people will finally respect you? Are you doing it so that you can allow yourself to feel good at the end of it all?

Or are you doing it because it's a challenge? Because you feel like learning something new is fun? Maybe you just want to try something different.

These two approaches are completely opposed to one another.

One comes from a state of trying to “add something”. It is saying that you feel incomplete. Once you reach the goal you will find that elusive completeness.

The other approach says you feel good but are interested in challenging yourself for the sake of challenging yourself. If you feel like it will be a great opportunity to learn about yourself, about what gets you going and what makes you ticks, then you are probably coming from a better place.

Chances are good that you are coming from a place that is in between.

You feel that going after XYZ goal will add a dimension of peace or happiness to your life (that isn't there) but also are excited at a new challenge. It is rarely 100% one way or the other.

Yes, this picture has nothing to do with this post.  Or does it?

Besides, coming from a place of incompleteness can lead you to that second place. Becoming a workaholic to make more money (which is perceived as more happiness) can lead a person to burn out. Burning out can lead you to see that life is short and that it's not worth it to give your life to your job. From there, motivations change and you can strive after what makes you happy and energized.

So in the end improving yourself in any way shape or form is a good thing. It doesn't matter what it is or where you're coming from or if you're doing it for all the wrong reasons. 

Those are all just excuses for inaction anyway.

Focus Is Everything

If I asked you right now to stop and explain all the things on your mind at this current moment, what would you say?

Chances are good you'd have a lot going through your mind.

You've got bills due soon. You didn't sleep much last night so maybe you'll go to bed early tonight. Maybe you're thinking about a troubling conversation that you had with your boss today. Maybe your thinking about eating cheesecake (num num).

What do you spend your time focused on?

On some level you are splitting your focus between all these thoughts (and probably more). You figure that if you can just split your thinking between a bunch of different things, you'll be able to best handle them.

And that works. To a degree.

On a day to day basis most of us can get by. Granted it tends to be a less than ideal existence as we move farther away from experiencing the joy of 'not thinking'; what I like to think of as true relaxation.

But we get by. The bills get paid.  We continue to make a living. We wake up to another day. It works.

The truth is though, it really doesn't.

What I have noticed most consistently with not only myself but others is that it really defers life in a big way. It begins to put life in a perspective of passing events rather than of spontaneity and real happiness.  It sucks the joy and the wonder out.

This condition of a scattered brain prevents you from focusing on the rather important things like your health. Your important relationships. Improving yourself. Improving your financial situation. Practicing some skill or talent.

The list is really freakin' long of all the stuff we want to do. But we all promise to do them in the future when we “have the time” or the money. Sadly, I can't tell you how many people tell me that they wished they had travel when they we're younger, a perfect example of 15-20 years going by and deferring life.

My guess is that there is certainly a good amount of reasons that contribute to why so many of us aren't doing what we really want to be doing. I can't help but see a big whopping contributor to be the lack of focus, which is probably more accurately felt as this idea of being scatterbrained.

Think about all those thoughts that go through your head on a daily basis. All those side thoughts like “Maybe I could open my own restaurant” or “Maybe I could lose 20 pounds” appear to you at some level.

These are important thoughts that are telling you something. They are poking at you to get attention. They are saying that maybe there is something you need to change. It is how people decide one day they want to stop smoking. They get those little stabs of ideas in their heads that something needs to change.

If they are as scatterbrained as the average person, these little sprouting seeds are ignored. They are quickly shoved away by the 8,000 other things that need to be done. “I have to think about this weekend's party so it will be perfect! I'll worry about X,Y,Z issue later” is probably a rather telling and realistic thing someone could justify to themselves in this situation (As if some party is every really that important in the long perspective of your life anyways).

"Someday when I have time" is a mythical world....kind of like Pandora.

These comically urgent events in life are often assumed to be the most important but they often are not.  We can run around all day pretending that these things we are doing will bring us to a future point where we can finally relax. But we never ever get there. We're always waiting and always striving to reach this mythical place.

Being able to enjoy life requires something less obvious than more money or time. It comes down to something anyone can do and most people could mistake as trivial.

And it comes down to focus.

Being able to focus improves not only your ability to retain information (which is obviously a pretty cool benefit alone) but it can help you experience a very vivid and beautiful life. I'm not talking about that Zen/Buddha BS where you will somehow find Nirvana (or maybe it is, who knows?). It's the pure fact that you can focus on what you are doing in the moment and not stuck in your head thinking about future events.

By the way just think about this: if you are thinking about future events you are basically not living in reality. You are living in a mind made movie that isn't even real (it's in your head).  It like trying to watch to different episodes of a TV show at the same time. You can't really take in both.

That is really kind of weird to think about. But it is just the reality of life these days.

(Gotta love all this existential angst, right? What a modern luxury.)

I know that all these ideas I'm talking about are true because it is very true to how I live my life. I go through periods of scatter-brained-ness a lot and then have to pull myself back to a more balanced and relaxed way of living. It isn't a bad thing at all. Every time it happens it reveals why this idea of focus is so damn important.

It's not even worth getting all down on yourself about. It's simply something to recognize and realize change is needed. If you start thinking your worthless because you can't focus you'll just make the problem worse. Recognize the problem and find a solution.

Here are just a couple ways I find focus. Notice they are far from complicated and don't require intelligence:

• Cut Back On Commitments
  • If you feel overwhelmed with all you responsibilities, it's a really good sign that you are overextended in your commitments. What can you cut back on? Sure, people might be mad that you didn't show up to a get together but life is real friggin' short dude. Stop wasting time and do what you want to do.
• Cut Back on the TV
  • Don't worry, if you turn off the TV or don't get to watch your regular TV shows, you won't suddenly be an outcast because you can't discuss it with your co-workers. And plenty of stuff goes on this world without you so don't worry, you won't miss out. Try cutting back on TV and replace that with a good book or some other relaxing activity.
• Focus on your Breathing
  • If this is too new-agey for you then you've never tried it. Take some deep breaths. Focus on your breathing. Most people (I'm the biggest culprit) take short breaths that don't get enough oxygen into the body. Try taking a deep breath and tell me that it doesn't feel great. It's cheaper than drugs/alcohol too.
• Write/Paint/Sing/Dance/Exercise/Compete/Create
  • Wow, I definitely had not thought about this as something that helps focus but all these activites are actually tremendous. Anytime you use your body to create art or perform you are working at getting outside your head.  Creation helps to direct your focus at making something.  Exercising helps you do what you are evolutionarily designed to do: move around and (ideally) be outside. Competition is putting yourself out there, you could lose.  It's exciting and it brings you out of your head and you will feel a vivid sense of aliveness that can rival any drug.
• Sleep
  • So many people go to the doctor and can't figure out what's going on with them. The doctor probably won't ask about there diet (more on that next) or their sleep patterns. There is usually a diagnosis made without these two critical aspects of a human's health that aren't even factored into the equation. But sleep makes a huge difference. If you find yourself scattered take a nap. Make your number one priority to catch up on sleep. It could mean all the difference in the world.
• Eat Better
  • I'm impartial here as a big nutrition geek but I can't tell you how many anecdotal examples there are of people feeling amazing once they start eating more whole foods. It's actually my favorite comment my clients make. But it works because this type of eating gives your body what it is designed to eat.  I would estimate that this could be one of the most important things you can do to help with not only your focus but your energy on a day to day basis.

These are just things that I thought of on the fly. Anything works, but if you cannot even realize that you can't focus then you'll never be able to make the shift.

So I challenge you (and myself) to make it a focus (haha) to focus.

I guess the only question remains though is are you going to make a change now or in the future when you "have time". You know, that future place that doesn't really exist.

Slow down.

And focus.

Playing With Boundaries

Most of our behavior is pretty (boring-ly) straight-forward.

On a day to day basis, most of us don't go outside our comfort zone.  We know exactly how to act to attract the least/most attention and going outside those known behaviors is a pretty scary thing.  It get's us from point A to point B, so we must be doing something right, right?

The only problem is that we don't exert any self-pressure to go beyond where we are at.  Talking to strangers, practicing the art of light banter, standing up for yourself, telling someone what you truly think, truly listening while someone is speaking and so on are all activities that will make you learn and grow.

But most people won't do them.  Shoot, even I wish I did a better job at that.

In a way, that's the whole point: going outside the comfort zone everyday is important.

Without it we all get complacent.  We take things for granted.  We know exactly what to expect.  No surprises.

Think about it from another perspective.  In fact, think of something you are really good at.  It should be a skill or talent that you excel at or have passion for.

I know for me, I never thought I'd be able to get the basic skills of being a barista at Starbucks.  In the beginning it all seemed so complicated.  I eventually got it.

Anyway, do you remember what it was like when you first started learning how to do that thing?  Do you remember being a complete newbie and feeling like you would never get to where you are now?  What do you remember?  Anything specific?

Chances are good that those memories are pretty vivid.  Chances are good because when you are out of your comfort zone, you are intensely alive.  You are completely aware of your surroundings and acutely aware of every moment.  While you may not have known it at the time, you were actually in the zone.

It's a pretty sweet place to be.  We just can't see it at the time.

So I think pushing yourself to do something (just one thing) that is uncomfortable and out of character  every day is something we are all missing.

I know I can vouch for myself.