There are few things in life that give me sharp, stabbing pains in my abdomen, by merely bringing the mental picture into my brain. The idea of an alien standing over my bed while I'm sleeping is one (You know those aliens that you see in 'Unsolved Mysteries', with the big black eyes, tiny nostrils, and long gangly fingers. Yeeeeuh.) Smegma is another (If you are wondering what this is, well, I'm sorry. Look it up on wikipedia, only at your own risk.) Oh and how could I possibly forget the old "Job Hunt".
Job Hunting for me, is only comparable to that of a weak, mentally challenged caveman hunting a real animal a million years ago. I'm imagining that the poor guy didn't eat and is now a poster boy for Evolution, Survival of the fittest, etc. Well in modern times I should be in the textbook next to anything defining "lazy", "bum", "comatose", "loafing", and even "sloth-like". I am the homeless man living in a home. The only difference between me and the real thing is the physical object of a house. and a shower. and food. Ok you get it. Its a metaphor.
It has been almost 8 months since my last full-time work as a server at an Italian Restaurant. Those 8 months have been about as enjoyable as Peter Gibbons from "Office Space" could only understand. When asked what he would do with a million dollars Peter responded " I would relax... I would sit on my ass all day... I would do nothing." Indeed Peter indeed.
So after fulfilling my 8 month dream of doing nothing, I figure its time to fight back at that thousand dollar credit card bill thats been building up. And of course since I've decided to start working again, there haven't been people coming out of the woodwok saying "ANDY! Come work here!" or "ANDY! We'd love to have you bring your occupational skills here. Heres my card".
No, no, the conversations have gone more like "Sorry, we're not hiring" or "Sorry you've failed the quiz".
Yes, indeed you heard that correct. I failed the QUIZ! at Chili's! The one hundred question quiz, with questions bordering on remedial math, 5th grade english (no joke about this, there were annalogies in the quiz! for CHILIS!), and of course the ever important personality test, is designed to WEED OUT the good from the bad potential workers. You know, like those who can do long hand divison, and who cant (Me). I scored a 26 on my act in high school, but apparently I recieved an 'F' on my Chili's test. I hope I don't have to put that on my college application, or else I am fucked.
And so tommorrow will be day 1 of my incredulous job hunt, where I will beat the odds, and wow the field of potential employers. They will look down upon my half completed, 5 year old handwritten and misspelled application and say "I want you!" because they see that Associates Degree from College of Dupage, and just know deep down that I will serve tables better than that guy who goes to real college, and DOESNT have a degree. I will go to twenty different employment locations and attempt to find the most elusive job and tackle it like a wild animal, just as my mentally challenged caveman counterpart would have (He's probably not intuitive enough to just use a spear or something, so he's resorted to tackling his food). And at the end I will have accomplished my impossible mission, and proved the doubters at Chili's wrong: I may have failed the "Chili's" test, but I will pass the "Get a Job at another restaurant" test
So wish me luck, as you would the retarded caveman, because we are both struggling against the odds.
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