Why is it that we don't do what we want to do?
I'm talking about doing those things we've always wanted to do or try...like traveling in Europe or skydiving. Maybe you want to apologize to a friend or approach a cute girl/guy in the coffeeshop.
“Well, I just can't afford to save any money for vacation right now. Maybe later”
“Yeah I'd love to skydive but I'm not sure how it works or where I can go. Plus I really want to go with a friend. I'm too busy right now but maybe later”
“I'd totally approach that girl but I'm not wearing my best clothes, plus she probably has a boyfriend. Next time I see her I will.”
There are a myriad of excuses we could come up with as to why we aren't doing what we really want to do. And it makes sense doesn't it? Life these days is busy, oh so busy. In order to support ourselves financially, we have to work forty hours a week and commute for countless hours. Don't forget we still have to exercise and have fun and let loose every once in a while. Oh and don't forget families, we have to have family time.
And these are all valid excuses. You do need family time. You do need to enjoy yourselves and let loose. At your current spending level and income, a vacation is not possible. She very well could have a boyfriend.
But if you have lived on this earth for at least 18 years you should know by now that life is very short and very precious. How fast have the last year gone by? The last five? The last twenty five? In a blink.
So if it is possible to take a vacation to some exotic location, why not make the necessary sacrifices? Yeah that girl could have a boyfriend but why not make a decision to swallow the fear and uncertainty and go say hi. It could be the start to something great.
I hate the whole “Life is short/Carpe Diem” type of quotes because they have become a cheesy quote to flip out there in motivational speeches. But when you really think deeply about what they mean, it can change your perspective on things. It's not so much a cheesy quote as much it is a reminder to always be aligning yourself to what you are doing.
I try to always ask myself “Is what I am doing right now moving me closer to where I want to go and who I want to be?” Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes, it's no. And sometimes it's not applicable. But it brings clarity and through clarity you can gain focus and energy.
The point is to always be asking yourself some sort of question that realigns you with whatever purpose or goals or principles you have. If you aren't doing what you want to be doing, change what you're doing.
Don't listen to those little people who will tell you that you need to force yourself to be happy, that it's your own fault you're miserable. Sometimes you do need to adjust your attitude, sometimes you just need to change your situation. Only you will know.
And sometimes you'll be wrong, but you'll learn from it. And you'll learn that it's not a big deal.
You see, life is this malleable thing. You can shape it into whatever you want. And ultimately you decide what to mold it into. You make decisions about who and what you let in to your consciousness... which in turn, effects your paradigm of what life is meant to be.
You let negativity in, it will affect how you see the world. You let positivity in, it will affect how you see the world. Neither are a right or wrong but it is a choice every second of every day. Even when you aren't making a choice you are making a choice. If you are sitting in front of a television, you are a passive passenger but you decided to sit there in the first place.
So if you're always the decider making decisions (like dubya), then all those things you want to do are ultimately up to you, not to someone else or circumstance. You are no longer a victim, no longer can you play the blame game. You lose much of the power to blame, but gain strength through yourself, realizing that you can in fact do whatever you'd like.
So if you really want to go to South Africa, figure out a plan to get you on that path. It may seem like a daunting task but I'm confident you'll learn some wisdom about life that you can share with others. I'm sure of it.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Monday, November 2, 2009
Authentic Communication
So what is authentic communication?
Is it an intensely passionate political debate? Is it two people madly in love, talking about their favorite things? Is it people exchanging small talk for the first time?
As in anything, this is completely subjective but is still something to consider in ourselves because we are all social beings who (on some level) crave authentic, genuine communication and attention.
I personally think that many of us going through our lives thinking that we are connecting with people through our every day lives because “authentic communication” means that we are sharing our thoughts and feelings on certain topics, and therefore we are sharing ourselves and in turn being shared with. What a great thing!
At a superficial level, at the very surface of communication, someone knowing my favorite color (red by the way) is authentic. I do really like the color red, so this is genuine. I just told you. This is authentic communication, right?
Well, let’s look at it from a different perspective.
And in fact let’s look at our own lives. I say this in all earnest because if you take what I am about to say and then you look around at the world, I believe you can go into the process of believing there is no authentic communication going on in the world and that everything is completely fake and inauthentic. Even worse you’ll automatically find some sort of counter-example and discredit the idea.
So looking at our own lives, we can go around sharing ourselves yet there still might be a little something missing from social interactions. Sometimes we may rationalize it as “people don’t really listen when I share myself” or “everyone is fake” and on and on.
I myself sometimes find this in my thoughts. For example, from time to time I do try to push myself to LISTEN, like really listen, when people talk. By people I mean everyone, even if I don’t see the value in talking to certain people. I often get discouraged because I feel like I get walked all over. My sub-conscious is almost saying “Everyone is just using you to get their ideas out and get validation. You are just a doormat.”
I really think this is a horrible, horrible conclusion.
I think there is a lack of authentic communication is on my part. What I would say it really is, is this: Authentic communication is a form of self-expression that emanates from the “being” of the conversation, not of the “doing” of the conversation.
Uh oh. I know I probably just lost most people on that.
Ok ok, let me put in better terms. Authentic communication is not about what is being said. It can be an extremely intelligent conversation, or it can even two people sitting together sitting together in silence.
For anyone who paints, writes, sings, plays a sport, they may know of the idea of “being in the moment.” I remember reading an interview with Shaquille O’neal where he talks about how when he is playing basketball everything is in “slow motion.” For others there is an inner-peace and calm. Usually the mental chatter in your mind goes away. This is being “in state”.
This idea is at the core of authentic communication. I find, when two people are debating politics, even if it is mild mannered, there is almost no self-expression going on. One side my be trying to persuade. One side might be trying to impress. Irregardless, there is so self-expression. It is not about winning or losing, looking to impress or to make anyone feel inferior.
If anything self-expression is meant to for the person who is “self-expressing.” I imagine a painter who is really “in state” while painting might find the paychecks he receives for his paintings gratifying, but in the end it is the process of painting where the fulfillment is found.
So I want to wrap this up with a suggestion (for myself and for others) for those who want are looking for ideas on how to self-express and help others to find this through themselves. I find the best way is to just learn to enjoy people for the core essence that they are in fact a person. Just listen, without judgement, without thinking of all the cool things you could add to the conversation. Turn off the thoughts while listening.
I can hear your thoughts already “But Andy! You can’t just turn off your thoughts! That’s stupid. If I didn’t think I’d be an ignorant moron that is completely empty inside.”
Listen, turning off your thoughts doesn’t mean being blissfully ignorant and accepting everyone else’s idea’s without protest. What I am saying is calm down the mental chatter. Your mind and thoughts are not you. It is a part of you, but the real you is the that part that can appreciate others for human beings, rather than judging them as better or worse, richer or poorer, meaner or nicer.
Something simple to do while listening is to just to focus on your breathing while someone is talking. Feel each breath go in and out of your lungs. If you can really feel that, it’s an intensely peaceful feeling. Do this while listening and your listening skills are just so greatly enhanced.
And from this position true communication will flow. After practicing this you may find yourself saying things, and vibing socially like you never have. Often times I say some funny whitty thing and go “where the hell did that come from?” It came out of being in the moment. And usually it is more self-entertaining than trying so desperately to make someone else laugh.
Self-expression is where the true fulfillment comes from.
I really hope this can help anyone else who is trying to get more towards the core of being genuine and towards the age old adage of “being themselves.”
Is it an intensely passionate political debate? Is it two people madly in love, talking about their favorite things? Is it people exchanging small talk for the first time?
As in anything, this is completely subjective but is still something to consider in ourselves because we are all social beings who (on some level) crave authentic, genuine communication and attention.
I personally think that many of us going through our lives thinking that we are connecting with people through our every day lives because “authentic communication” means that we are sharing our thoughts and feelings on certain topics, and therefore we are sharing ourselves and in turn being shared with. What a great thing!
At a superficial level, at the very surface of communication, someone knowing my favorite color (red by the way) is authentic. I do really like the color red, so this is genuine. I just told you. This is authentic communication, right?
Well, let’s look at it from a different perspective.
And in fact let’s look at our own lives. I say this in all earnest because if you take what I am about to say and then you look around at the world, I believe you can go into the process of believing there is no authentic communication going on in the world and that everything is completely fake and inauthentic. Even worse you’ll automatically find some sort of counter-example and discredit the idea.
So looking at our own lives, we can go around sharing ourselves yet there still might be a little something missing from social interactions. Sometimes we may rationalize it as “people don’t really listen when I share myself” or “everyone is fake” and on and on.
I myself sometimes find this in my thoughts. For example, from time to time I do try to push myself to LISTEN, like really listen, when people talk. By people I mean everyone, even if I don’t see the value in talking to certain people. I often get discouraged because I feel like I get walked all over. My sub-conscious is almost saying “Everyone is just using you to get their ideas out and get validation. You are just a doormat.”
I really think this is a horrible, horrible conclusion.
I think there is a lack of authentic communication is on my part. What I would say it really is, is this: Authentic communication is a form of self-expression that emanates from the “being” of the conversation, not of the “doing” of the conversation.
Uh oh. I know I probably just lost most people on that.
Ok ok, let me put in better terms. Authentic communication is not about what is being said. It can be an extremely intelligent conversation, or it can even two people sitting together sitting together in silence.
For anyone who paints, writes, sings, plays a sport, they may know of the idea of “being in the moment.” I remember reading an interview with Shaquille O’neal where he talks about how when he is playing basketball everything is in “slow motion.” For others there is an inner-peace and calm. Usually the mental chatter in your mind goes away. This is being “in state”.
This idea is at the core of authentic communication. I find, when two people are debating politics, even if it is mild mannered, there is almost no self-expression going on. One side my be trying to persuade. One side might be trying to impress. Irregardless, there is so self-expression. It is not about winning or losing, looking to impress or to make anyone feel inferior.
If anything self-expression is meant to for the person who is “self-expressing.” I imagine a painter who is really “in state” while painting might find the paychecks he receives for his paintings gratifying, but in the end it is the process of painting where the fulfillment is found.
So I want to wrap this up with a suggestion (for myself and for others) for those who want are looking for ideas on how to self-express and help others to find this through themselves. I find the best way is to just learn to enjoy people for the core essence that they are in fact a person. Just listen, without judgement, without thinking of all the cool things you could add to the conversation. Turn off the thoughts while listening.
I can hear your thoughts already “But Andy! You can’t just turn off your thoughts! That’s stupid. If I didn’t think I’d be an ignorant moron that is completely empty inside.”
Listen, turning off your thoughts doesn’t mean being blissfully ignorant and accepting everyone else’s idea’s without protest. What I am saying is calm down the mental chatter. Your mind and thoughts are not you. It is a part of you, but the real you is the that part that can appreciate others for human beings, rather than judging them as better or worse, richer or poorer, meaner or nicer.
Something simple to do while listening is to just to focus on your breathing while someone is talking. Feel each breath go in and out of your lungs. If you can really feel that, it’s an intensely peaceful feeling. Do this while listening and your listening skills are just so greatly enhanced.
And from this position true communication will flow. After practicing this you may find yourself saying things, and vibing socially like you never have. Often times I say some funny whitty thing and go “where the hell did that come from?” It came out of being in the moment. And usually it is more self-entertaining than trying so desperately to make someone else laugh.
Self-expression is where the true fulfillment comes from.
I really hope this can help anyone else who is trying to get more towards the core of being genuine and towards the age old adage of “being themselves.”
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Whatever You Want is Already Yours
Recently I've been reading a book called "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's an amazing book for those who are into finding a little more inner-peace in their lives. It's not a religious book by any means (as the Jesus quote at the end of the citing might suggest), however it does quote from different religions as to recognize certain philosophical principles. Anyhow I hopped up on this section in his book and thought it's something everyone can get a little bit out of. Check it out:
ABUNDANCE
Who you think you are is also intimately connected with how you see yourself treated by others. Many people complain that others do not treat them well enough. "I don't get any respect, attention, recognition, acknowledgment," they say. "I'm being taken for granted." When people are kind, they suspect hidden motives. "Others want to manipulate me, to take advantage of me. Nobody loves me."
Who they think they are is this "I am a needy 'little me' whose needs are not being met." This basic misperception of who they are creates dysfunction in all their relationships. They believe they have nothing to give and that the world or other people are withholding from them what they need. Their entire reality is based on an illusory sense of who they are. It sabotages situations, mars all relationships. If the thought of lack - whether it be money, recognition, or love - has become part of who you think you are, you will always experience lack. Rather than acknowledge the good that is already in your life, all you see is lack. Acknowledging the good that is already in your life is the foundation for all abundance. The fact is: Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world. You are withholding it because deep down you think you are small and that you have nothing to give.
Try this for a couple of weeks and see how it changes your reality: Whatever you think people are withholding from you - praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, and so on - give it to them. You don't have it? Just act as if you had it, it will come. Then, soon after you start giving, you will start receiving. You cannot receive what you don't give. Outflow determines inflow. Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you already have, but unless you allow it to flow out, you won't even know that you have it. This includes abundance. The law that outflow determines inflow is expressed by Jesus in this powerful image: "Give and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap."
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