So what is authentic communication?
Is it an intensely passionate political debate? Is it two people madly in love, talking about their favorite things? Is it people exchanging small talk for the first time?
As in anything, this is completely subjective but is still something to consider in ourselves because we are all social beings who (on some level) crave authentic, genuine communication and attention.
I personally think that many of us going through our lives thinking that we are connecting with people through our every day lives because “authentic communication” means that we are sharing our thoughts and feelings on certain topics, and therefore we are sharing ourselves and in turn being shared with. What a great thing!
At a superficial level, at the very surface of communication, someone knowing my favorite color (red by the way) is authentic. I do really like the color red, so this is genuine. I just told you. This is authentic communication, right?
Well, let’s look at it from a different perspective.
And in fact let’s look at our own lives. I say this in all earnest because if you take what I am about to say and then you look around at the world, I believe you can go into the process of believing there is no authentic communication going on in the world and that everything is completely fake and inauthentic. Even worse you’ll automatically find some sort of counter-example and discredit the idea.
So looking at our own lives, we can go around sharing ourselves yet there still might be a little something missing from social interactions. Sometimes we may rationalize it as “people don’t really listen when I share myself” or “everyone is fake” and on and on.
I myself sometimes find this in my thoughts. For example, from time to time I do try to push myself to LISTEN, like really listen, when people talk. By people I mean everyone, even if I don’t see the value in talking to certain people. I often get discouraged because I feel like I get walked all over. My sub-conscious is almost saying “Everyone is just using you to get their ideas out and get validation. You are just a doormat.”
I really think this is a horrible, horrible conclusion.
I think there is a lack of authentic communication is on my part. What I would say it really is, is this: Authentic communication is a form of self-expression that emanates from the “being” of the conversation, not of the “doing” of the conversation.
Uh oh. I know I probably just lost most people on that.
Ok ok, let me put in better terms. Authentic communication is not about what is being said. It can be an extremely intelligent conversation, or it can even two people sitting together sitting together in silence.
For anyone who paints, writes, sings, plays a sport, they may know of the idea of “being in the moment.” I remember reading an interview with Shaquille O’neal where he talks about how when he is playing basketball everything is in “slow motion.” For others there is an inner-peace and calm. Usually the mental chatter in your mind goes away. This is being “in state”.
This idea is at the core of authentic communication. I find, when two people are debating politics, even if it is mild mannered, there is almost no self-expression going on. One side my be trying to persuade. One side might be trying to impress. Irregardless, there is so self-expression. It is not about winning or losing, looking to impress or to make anyone feel inferior.
If anything self-expression is meant to for the person who is “self-expressing.” I imagine a painter who is really “in state” while painting might find the paychecks he receives for his paintings gratifying, but in the end it is the process of painting where the fulfillment is found.
So I want to wrap this up with a suggestion (for myself and for others) for those who want are looking for ideas on how to self-express and help others to find this through themselves. I find the best way is to just learn to enjoy people for the core essence that they are in fact a person. Just listen, without judgement, without thinking of all the cool things you could add to the conversation. Turn off the thoughts while listening.
I can hear your thoughts already “But Andy! You can’t just turn off your thoughts! That’s stupid. If I didn’t think I’d be an ignorant moron that is completely empty inside.”
Listen, turning off your thoughts doesn’t mean being blissfully ignorant and accepting everyone else’s idea’s without protest. What I am saying is calm down the mental chatter. Your mind and thoughts are not you. It is a part of you, but the real you is the that part that can appreciate others for human beings, rather than judging them as better or worse, richer or poorer, meaner or nicer.
Something simple to do while listening is to just to focus on your breathing while someone is talking. Feel each breath go in and out of your lungs. If you can really feel that, it’s an intensely peaceful feeling. Do this while listening and your listening skills are just so greatly enhanced.
And from this position true communication will flow. After practicing this you may find yourself saying things, and vibing socially like you never have. Often times I say some funny whitty thing and go “where the hell did that come from?” It came out of being in the moment. And usually it is more self-entertaining than trying so desperately to make someone else laugh.
Self-expression is where the true fulfillment comes from.
I really hope this can help anyone else who is trying to get more towards the core of being genuine and towards the age old adage of “being themselves.”
