Being "The Decider"

Lately I've been completely fascinated with people who get stuff done.

Specifically, I' referring to the CEO-enterpreneur-manager personality type who has to make a bunch of decisions on a daily basis and follows through on getting shit done.

hahahahahaha

Maybe it's because it's qualities I deeply lack.

It has become painfully obvious that I get lost in decision making. It leads to a lot of wasted time. I try to think through every decision of the day. What will be my most efficient use of time? “Let's sit down and think it through” is the justification.

But while I'm thinking, I'm usual doing nothing. Meanwhile, the CEO-entrepreneurial type made the decision long ago and has made many more since.

“Thoughtful” decision-making often means lack of decision-making. At least for me. And I know this holds true for others as well.

Every decision cannot be a life or death thing. We can't research everything through to the end. It's the perfectionist tendency that convinces us otherwise.

Many of the days choices are massively trivial. Most of the time it's more efficient go with the best option you have at the moment and to accept that everything will not be done perfectly.

It's a really bitter pill to swallow. I hate not doing a perfect job. It stabs at my insides to clean my room and see that more can be done. But there is simply not enough time in the day to clean my room perfectly and write out a perfect blog post and read every book I want to read.

I cannot tell you how much I hate thinking about letting mediocrity in my life but it's a necessary evil. I simply don't get enough important stuff done on a daily basis.

I've been lucky enough to meet some pretty ambitious people in my life who embody the qualities of that hard-nosed decision-maker and my eyes were opened to what that really is.

Instead of seeing someone who haphazardly decides on the day's agenda, I see people who, through massive amounts of experience making on both terrible and great decisions, are able to grasp the art of efficiency.

At the end of the day, this might be the holy grail to being a rockstar at what you do. We'll see.

"We Are All Connected"

Long ago, somewhere in our galaxy, a star somewhat similar to that of our sun destroyed itself in a massive and brilliant explosion known as a supernova.

Image of Cassiopeia A, a supernova "remnant"

After billions of years of burning brightly, that star's hydrogen fuel ran out and the core of the star could not sustain it's own gravity any longer. It collapsed in on itself at an incredibly high velocity and subsequently blasted off the outer layers in a magnificent release of energy.

These outer layers contained heavier elements which had been forged through the life of the star. These heavier elements are noteworthy because if you look around you right now, whether it be at your hand, a pet or the floor beneath you, you are surrounded by them. All the elements that make life possible derive from stars.

“We are all made of star stuff” the comsologist Carl Sagan once said. Pretty cool, eh?

All humans, all animals, all plants and even the chunk of rock we call Earth, share the same atomic mother and in that vein we are deeply related. This isn't clear just looking around us. If anything, it seems that you and I are different. And my cat is not me.

As different as we seem to be on the surface, whether it be by gender, race, opinions or even species, the atoms in our bodies come from the same place.

Cheesy and overplayed as it may sound, we are all connected.

LIVING IN DISCONNECTION

On a day to day basis, I think we all feel disconnected from the world we live in. Even with people all around us, whether it be family or a large city, we can still feel as if we are separated by something.

The mind will divide others in to categories and groups that make reality easier to understand and predict. My cat is a separate species of animal according to my mind-made category, thus we are not the same.

This low-level thinking is important and necessary to understand the world around us. But how often do we even contemplate the connectedness of ourselves to this world?

It's not woo-woo spiritual stuff we're talking about here. This is scientific fact. Now that we can prove that everyone is relatively the same, made up of different combinations of molecules and atoms, it is easier to take a step back and look at what that really means.

AN EXERCISE IN “TAKING A STEP BACK”

Take a moment and imagine how big the earth is compared to ourselves. Pretty hard to imagine how massive the earth is at roughly 8,000 miles in diameter and a mass of 6x1024 kilograms. It's quite a bit larger than you or I.

Now take our huge earth and compare it to the sun. Glance at the picture on below for scale. The sun is roughly 1.3 million times the volume of earth. Pretty massive.

Now think of how close our sun is to our closest neighboring sun, Proxima Centauri, which is roughly 4.2 light years away. If I could travel there, at the speed of light (186,000/miles per second), it would take me 4 years. Our closest neighbor is far away.

Then think of how long it would take to travel to the center of our galaxy (about 27,000 years), to cross our entire galaxy (about 100,000 years), to the closest neighboring galaxy (2.5 millions years), to go beyond our “supercluster” of galaxies (estimated at 100 million years) and then to the edge of the known universe (guesses range at 46-47 billion years).

How big are we in comparison?

We are an inconceivable speck, riding around on another inconceivable speck, circling another speck, amongst billions of other specks, surrounded by billions of other specks clustered together.

This simple exercise is not reason to feel bad or insignificant. Quite the opposite actually. It's a refresher that we are 6 billion (or is it 7 now?) individuals running around on this little blue dot, all on the same little boat.

For better or worse, we are stuck with each other here on Earth. We, who were all created in the belly of a star, feel the same feelings, share the same pain and live in similar conditions. No matter how badly the urge is to feel that we are deeply divided amongst any religion, race, country, culture or opinions, we can't escape that we are deeply connected to eachother.

I know I know, this is about as cheesy as it gets for me. “Feel connected” and “See the best in others” isn't really an original thought. It's super new-agey and somewhat vague. Guilty as charged.

However, I can't think of a more fulfilling feeling, of a more rejuvenating energy, that derives itself from the feelings of a universal link.

There Is No End

Hollywood movies have effectively brainwashed the masses into believing that one day we'll “make it” and our struggles will finally be over.

I call it the “Fade to Black” fallacy.

At the end of nearly every movie the football team wins, the guy gets the girl and James Bond saves the world. Almost immediately, the screen fades to black and we all leave feeling good.

"Riding off into the sunset..."

Leaving on a high note after the culmination of the story leaves the audience to believe that one day they will ride off into the sunset too, once they finally get the money or the status or whatever. If only our big problem is solved can we finally be at peace. The dream is to get something “handled” so we don't have to spend time and energy on it anymore.

The thing is, reaching a goal is not the end because life always goes on.

After you (or your team) win the Super Bowl, the initial high reverts back to whatever it was before the victory. Not saying that the immense pride is ever lost but the “elated feeling” eventually goes away. The next season eventually starts and you have to prove yourself again.

Let's be honest, winning the Super Bowl will make you happy. It'd be pretty friggin' awesome. But just how long does that little piece of self-esteem last? How long does it take to go back to the previous state of mind? I'm willing to bet pretty quickly.

THE PERVERTED FALLACY

The perverted fallacy is that we'll be happy in the future, once we finally get what want. Do whatever it takes, the thinking goes, and it will all be worth it in the end.

Unfortunately, the present moment is all there ever is. No one can live outside of this very moment. Any projection into that future day is just a movie in the head. It's NOT REAL.

The priority should be to feel good and happy right now. And it should be an urgent priority at that.

Living day after day in the mind-state of future goals only conditions the brain to hurry through each day as quickly as possible. Just check it off the list as one day closer to that party next week. One less day to that possible promotion. One less day to retirement. One less day until death.

It seems harmless until you consider that our brains are like freaking sponges and soak up whatever we give to it. By being in this mind-state for years and years, I truly believe that people condition their brain become bitter and decrepit. They look back and are mad that the false promise didn't work. Reaching their goal never materialized true happiness.

THE COLD TRUTH

No matter what goal it is that is realized, whether it's becoming a billionaire or a mega celebrity, the salvation will always be a bar of soap slipping out of grasp. The money would certainly provide for a better lifestyle but riding around in a helicopter or living in a mansion doesn't fill the empty cup inside most of us.

The party always ends

Even a future event, like an awesome party next week, will ultimately be a let-down because it will end. And then real life comes back. On Monday you go back to work. The party will only then be a memory, a story in the head.

To make “being happy” and “fulfilled” a priority is tough. It's completely vague. Where do you even start? I'm pretty sure humans have been trying to figure it out since the discovery of language. It's not an easy answer.

I say, instead of trying to find self-esteem, it may just be better to know what doesn't work.

Looking to the future to bring us peace? That just isn't it.

Victory in Defeat

Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a world where nothing bad ever happened?

How about a world where we always get every we want?

On paper it sounds pretty fantastic.

But of course, that is just not reality.

In reality we have death. And loss. And sadness. And failure. And broken trust. And let downs. And negativity. And bad weather. These are not debatable opinions, it's just the nature of the world we live in.

Each life experience only reinforces the fact that this is the norm. Failure and loss cannot be avoided. So the question becomes; how do we deal with defeat and move on?

This question has been answered by many people and the answer is usually the same; learn from your mistakes, have a short memory and move on.

Solid advice in my opinion, but losing and failure is so much more than a learning lesson. Personally, I cherish the failure and recognize it as completely necessary for a rich life.

WHY CHERISH FAILURE

In my head, I have a map of “the way the world works”. This map has been molded through years of collected experience of successes and failures. With it, I can try and predict how the world is going to work in the future.

You'd think that after 27 years I would have enough experience to have a pretty accurate map of how the world works. This is just not the case.

The funny thing about our reality maps is that the very thing that makes them so accurate, is the one thing that most of us want to avoid. And that is failing.

Failure is feedback that something is wrong with our maps. They weren't accurate and need to change, if only slightly.

But that can be really hard. Like really hard.

How likely is it that most people are willing to admit that they could be wrong? It's more likely that we're going to bury ourselves into to false mindset. Being wrong exposes us to criticism and self-doubt. It feels icky.

So we end up avoiding the one thing that could free us up to succeed more. In other words, if only people actively failed more, they would probably see more success. Talk about a dichotomy.

This may not make sense but it has been a pattern I've seen in successful people I know.

FAILURE IS AN AGENT FOR CHANGE

Going after difficult goals means that something has to change. Whether that something is your habits or some personality trait is irrelevant, but success will require something to change.

If I was somehow to promoted to CEO of McDonald's or Walmart or whatever, I would fall flat on my face. I'd be overwhelmed. To go from my current work-ethic to that of a Fortune 500 CEO would take a long time.

Could you pull it off, at this very moment, if asked to step up?

HELL NO. I know I couldn't.

It's not that these Fortune 500 CEO's are genetically gifted or superior to you and I, it's just that they have gone through the experiences of success and failure for that position. They have a more accurate map for leadership Simple as that.

So failure shapes the map of reality. Without it, you'd never have to change.

Personally, I don't “like” failing but spectacular failure almost always forces me to focus my thoughts. With a clear mind, I can rationally sit and contemplate those things that caused me to fail. Was it something I did? Was it my approach? Was I being lazy? What needs to be changed?

FAILURE IS THE NORM

No one enjoys failure per se. It sucks. The way to deal with it is to fully expect it and understand it as normal.

Dieting is a lesson in this exact phenomena.

People expect to diet perfectly after January 1^st despite their habits to the contrary. After a couple weeks they fall off the diet and binge (because falling off is INEVITABLE). The healthy path of going through the binge is to just to reflect on your actions and just shrug it off as a learning lesson.

Instead, I see a lot of people who binge, then self-hate themselves right back into their old habits.

“Why try when I can't avoid an eating binge?”

Because a binge is NORMAL. Snapping back into old habits is NORMAL. Missing on your commitments is NORMAL. Falling off the horse is NORMAL. Not being perfect is NORMAL.

When I lost 50 pounds I fell off constantly. My diet would be going perfectly and suddenly one cookie would turn into 2,000 calories worth of crap later. It happened in the beginning and less so as time progressed.

It didn't demoralize me because I “knew the deal”. It happens. No biggie.

Of course when it does happen I would self-reflect and all that stuff. I'd even self hate a little. I'd be like “Andy you suck. You're better than this. Get it together”. But I'd move on and try and let it go.

This is not a gimmicky approach by any means. It's not just positive thinking. It's just a more refreshing take on the reality of life. Instead of getting demoralized by all the little failures, it's worth taking the time to appreciate why it happens.

Just Show Up

"Eighty percent of success is showing up" -Woody Allen

My motto in life is “Just show up”.

As a recovering perfectionist, my biggest struggle in life is terror of creating something that won't meet my ideal standards.

The paradox is that in order to create high quality stuff, you have to go through long periods of crappy quality creating.

This blog will attest to that. I will rarely write something that I am super proud of (like my piece on “Wishing things were different” or “Motivation Re-Defined” or “Authentic Communication”).  I rarely feel like writing when I sit down in front of the computer.  Before writing this I sat in front of a blank screen wondering what to write.

But every day I open  up the computer screen because I:

1. Know I could potentially create something amazing
2. Will continue to improve if I just write something, anything
3. Will, by the end of the 30 minutes of writing, be completely engrossed in what I'm doing
4. Will be content when I finish because I followed through on my commitment

It will be interesting to see where my writing will be in a year but I'm willing to bet it will be markedly better.  And in 5 years?  It'll be stellar beyond what I can probably even imagine.

But that's a sexy idea to think about.  Results are sexy.  The process of getting there?  Not quite.

The reason so few people can reach that "mastery level" of creation is because it's not sexy to do something day in and day out without clearly getting better.  It feels like banging your head on a wall expecting it to eventually bust through.

The better metaphor for the situation is Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption escaping prison by chipping away at tiny pieces of rock EVERY SINGLE NIGHT in his jail cell for years.

It is not an appealing prospect to think of achieving success like this but it's simply the reality I see played back to me over and over again.

So if I am going to show up every day and write, I have to accept that some days I will write some shitty content.  It means I show up regardless of how I feel.  Because if I show up only when I feel like, I rarely will.  That means I will show up and give half-ass efforts at times, but I'll do it because preservation of the habit is supreme to everything else.

I think having high standards is an honorable choice to make, but in reality, I see it holding people back.  It's important to strive to be great and to push ourselves to be as awesome as we can be, but the bottom line, in my opinion, is that showing up is fundamental.

Not being perfect sounds like a good excuse.  Actually, I'd say it is a great excuse.  But excuses are always just really clever rationalizations for avoiding doing something.  In the end our brains are really lazy and can come up with any reason not to do something.

Instead, I think it's better to accept being imperfect and just go on with striving to be a high quality creator in whatever form it is.

People will tell you that you aren't good enough or aren't talented enough but following the motto of just showing up will shut up these critics.....over time.

So either this will be a weird cryptic prediction of the future of my writing (and a great example of how to create high quality content) or it will be an epic display of failure on my part and how I am wrong wrong wrong.

Either way it should be interesting.

:-)

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Inertia of the Mind

This morning I awoke to a splitting headache.

A seven day stretch of work and lack of sleep culminated into today's pounding skull.  My body was doing its regular "Slow Down Andy" routine.

This is not an ideal situation for productivity.  Instead of jumping out of bed and getting right into the day's tasks (such as cleaning the apartment, getting dressed, figuring out what needs to be done that day) I did my best imitation of a slug.  Minus the sliminess.

I sat in bed with my computer on my lap in a daze.  Halfway between conscious and unconscious, I spent about an hour just flipping around the internet.  Truth be told, while most of it was just stories about last night's presidential election, it was a total waste of time.  Worst of all, what started as a "I'll just check one or two news stories" ended up being 10 or so different articles topped with a couple videos.

And it ended up perpetuating the slug mode even more.

SLUG MODE?  REALLY?
How in the world is it possible to get into lazy slug mode?

This has frustrated me for the longest time; the fact that I have the capability to be both highly motivated in one instance and utterly lazy in another.

I've set high goals for myself and being lazy is a real issue.  For once, there is a vested interest to get to the root of the problem.

Well, recently it has started to make sense.  I'd like to think of it as "mind inertia".

MIND INERTIA?  REALLY?
Mind inertia is just some funky word I completely pulled out of my ass.  Busted.

But it illustrates the idea that our minds are similar to a big freight train; they both need a great deal of energy to stop and get started.

Think of TV watching.  Once you've started watching television for an hour, how likely is it that you are going to be able to press the off button?

Think about that.  Your sitting on a soft couch.  Maybe you're underneath a blanket.  Your mind has become used to the different flashing images and stimulus that is video.  To contemplate doing something else, say to go exercise or read a book, is not going to seem appealing.

It's because your brain has readily adapted to what you're doing.

GETTING OUT OF MY SLUG MODE
So this morning my brain had really dug it's claws into being lazy.

I remember thinking, as I lay there on my bed, that the window for being productive was getting smaller as the time passed.  At some point, the energy to get myself to accomplish all the goals for the day (like to write this post) were going to get rationalized away.

So, just like jumping into a cold pool, I shut the lid of my computer mid-video.  It was much harder than it sounds.

Being that today is a workout day, I stumbled around the room getting workout clothes on and packing up my backpack.  I proceeded to head out the door feeling like complete shit.  But I made a promise to myself long ago that I won't miss workout days and so my legs carried me to the gym.

And the craziest thing happened.

The workout was not only great but I left the gym feeling energized and ready to tackle the day.  The headache was gone and it was a a prime lesson in following through on commitments regardless of how I feel.

I shed the slug mode for a productive suit in a matter of an hour.  But it wasn't easy.

CHANGING TRACKS
In my mind, there is only one true way to break free from laziness and wasted energy; to take action.

This morning it meant to close my computer lid.  Then to get on my workout clothes.  Then to walk to the gym.  You get the point.

This isn't groundbreaking by any means, but it is a simple solution to a difficult problem.

But I wasn't looking for a quick fix to the problem.  I wasn't looking for some motivational gimmick that was going to give me energy to do something.  I knew the only route from point A to point B was me providing the spark.

ABOUT TAKING ACTION...
And when I say take action, I mean taking action:

• regardless of emotion
• every day
• that focuses your mind's attention

Take action regardless of emotion because if you avoid doing something because you're tired, you'll never ever do it.  If it's being tired one day, it'll be muscle cramps the next.  Or a headache.  Or because you deserve a day off.  And suddenly you haven't done it in months.

Taking action every day conditions the brain to break free of whatever current activity it's "used to" on a regular basis.  As a habit, not as a gimmicky trick, every-day action builds up that mental muscle that is able to press the off button on the TV when you know you need to go work out.  Done every day it only gets easier over time.

Taking action that focuses your mind's attention means participating in an activity where your brain is forced to focus on a particular task.  Basically, this means an activity that doesn't allow for passive attention (ahem, television).  However, it very well could be washing the dishes.

Oh yes I did.

For me, that has been some of the basic patterns I follow for having more control over my mind.

Because that's really what it is; me vs. myself (see left).  Or you vs. your mind.

 There will always be two opposing forces in your head, one that wants to relax and chill, and the other that is energetic and hungry to go after it's goals.  Knowing how to access the latter is quite an amazing thing.  But it's very hard.

Kind of like getting a freight train started.

Embrace the Chaos

Is there ever a good reason to seek out chaos and drama?

I say yes.

Common wisdom says “Avoid drama and chaos. You don't need any more added stress in your life.”

Oh really?

Any athletic endeavor is complete chaos. Team sports like football and basketball exemplify this to a high degree due to their fast paced and complicated nature. To the untrained eye, it looks like a scramble of chaotic movements.

Yet so many athletes report a universal transcendence of time, of a completely feeling of present-moment peace that defies a simple explanation. Instead of being a stress filled environment, it has a peaceful sanctuary

HOW DOES THIS WORK?

I personally feel that any profession or endeavor which includes chaos, high pressure and drama creates an opportunity for an individual; grow or die.

If people yelling at each other is too much for you, then being a trader on a stock exchange floor won't work. That is your limitation.

Or you can decide that you'll figure out a way to re-define the hectic nature that a trader profession would be and grow to enjoy the chaos. Sounds crazy but people do it all the time. Some people even find it to be their “sanctuary of peace”. No shit.

“But some people are just meant to be/genetically designed to be/were raised to be a stock trader/basketball player/politician” some will say.

There is no denying that certain people will fit in easier in these roles from their upbringing or whatever.

Then there were others who saw what they wanted, decided they will have to do whatever to get there and forced themselves to mold into whatever the situation required of them.

THINKING ABOUT POLITICS

Imagine millions of people hating on you, talking shit about you, openly mocking you and criticizing everything you say. You have the notion of what it's like to be a politician.

Who would want to deal with all that bullshit? Who wants to deal with all that drama? Who has tough enough skin to even handle that?

Not me, that's for sure. But I guarantee anyone who really wants to become that politician; you'll have to learn to deal with it. And odds are good that you'll be better for it.

The key idea here is that if a person wants to be a politician badly, they will accept the craziness involved.

Not a single person sees the craziness and says "Yeah I don't mind that", it's just that people see being a congressman/president as worth going through all the bullshit.  

My personal belief is that this situation can lead someone to become more awesome but it's clear that not everyone does become self-fulfilled or whatever.  There are plenty of politicians who just become more jaded and cranky.

But that goes to how people handle the new stress....

DEALING WITH THE CHAOS

In order to deal in these highly chaotic environments, there has to be a coping mechanism. And those come in healthy and unhealthy forms.

It seems like the most common answer to stress is alcohol. Cracking open a bottle of wine after a hard day at work seems harmless but it cannot be a long-term strategy for dealing with discomfort. So drinking is not a healthy coping mechanism.

A healthy coping mechanism is to stop taking yourself seriously. If massive amounts of people are hating on you (common as a leader in politics, business or even in a social circle) then why not just let go of needing people's approval? It's free and has no downside. It's not as appealing because it's not a quick-fix; it takes a long time to sink in.

Whatever approach a person takes to dealing with the stress from a chaotic environment will always fall under two categories; either unhealthy (short-term thinking like drugs/alcohol/spending money) or healthy (long-term regenerative stuff like deep personality changes/healthy habit changes/mental re-framing).

Both will work for a time, but the healthy approach will lead to a long lasting solution.

LIVE IN THE CHAOS

The aim of this article is not to go searching for chaos and drama. Far from it.

Instead, don't avoid situations because you have pigeon-holed yourself into a perfect little box of “Who you are”. Who you are is bullshit, a mind-made little fantasy that just wants to keep finding more and more reasons to justify not trying new “scary” things.

Maybe you would like to throw yourself directly into discomfort by trying your hand at Improv comedy. Chances are good you will suck but hey....don't you think you might just love it?

To me, chaos and drama are like a purifying elixir that will force me to stop being a little whiny bitch. It forces me to stop trying to hope for a life that is filled with relaxation and everything being perfect. Life is about dealing with all the uncertainty that is thrown at you every single day.

If it can inspire someone to finally go after that job/goal/leadership position they've always wanted, then that is the whole point.

Waiting for Tomorrow

The true tragedy of life today is that most of us are looking towards the future.

We're waiting for that “one day” when we get the job, the friends, the vacation or the good health we want.

Then, we tell ourselves, we will finally be happy.

In the meantime we'll try to scuttle around and get from point A to point B as quickly as possible. Whatever is in-between those two points is just filler, not really life.

Oddly enough though 99.9% of our lives is filled with “filler”.

For me it's walking. Waiting for the bus. Showering. Brushing my teeth. Sleeping. Reading. Casual socializing. Working.

The “Point B” moments, those moments where something awesome or significant happens, occur much more infrequently. Categorizing life like this, like a series of events passing us by, is pretty messed up.

But it's how a great majority of people live their lives.

AUTO-PILOT

Many of us are just robots, sleepwalking from one thing to the next. We wake up and do our chores without much vigor or joy. Chores are just tasks to be crossed off the list, to get to the next thing.

Think about the last time you brushed your teeth. Do you even remember how you felt? Do you remember the feeling of the toothpaste bubbling up in your mouth? Do you remember scrubbing each tooth individually? Or is it just a fog of memory?

The way we answer this seemingly innocuous question reveals quite a lot about how we live our lives.

If you are just sleepwalking through most of your day, waiting to get to some sort of stimulation like TV or alcohol or sex or a raise or to go to a concert, you are unconsciously writing a program into your brain.

You're embedding a pattern of thinking in your brain that says “Let's just see how quickly we can get to the next stimulation that will tickle my little need to be titillated.”

And just like a drug, the amount of stimulation you need to feel satisfied becomes greater and greater each and every time. Instead of being satisfied by one TV show, you end up watching hours of show after show.

At one point in my life I was addicted to TV. I would end up sitting in front of the screen for 8 hours at a time.

Did I really enjoy watching the television?

No. I remember I would end up turning off the screen after a long marathon of shows feeling like a ball of crap. How did I end up wasting that much time today? I don't feel any better than when I pressed the “on” button. Why can't I turn this off?

My brain was programmed to “enjoy” this particular stimulation. After repeating this habit on a daily basis it became harder and harder to break the cycle. Suddenly a simple thing like turning the TV off seemed impossible.

Our brains will accept almost anything we expose it to. It does not differentiate between productive and unproductive behaviors.

So when we begin to live every day waiting for the next “Point B” moment, we are programming this way of thinking into our brains. I call it Zombie mode. The more our brain is exposed to Zombie mode, the easier it is to fall into it. More important, it becomes a great deal more challenging to break loose from it.

Zombie Mode!

And think about it; day after day after day of living like this will make life seem really dull.

You won't know it of course, because the change is always gradual. Months will have gone past and you won't even notice you have slipped into this pattern of thinking. The only thing you might notice is a great deal of discomfort when you are in between the “Point B” moments.

THE SOLUTION

The solution is not quick-fix. The solution is to be present to the moment.

And this means re-training your brain to just be happy/satisfied/content with being in solitude or not being stimulated.

It can take a long time. It takes some focus and there will most definitely be pain. But in the end no one would ever regret it.

Pain is Good

I've come to really appreciate pain at this point in my life.

Not physical pain (that's fucking weird haha) but the mental and emotional pain that comes with growing up and REALLY realizing that you are responsible for yourself at the end of the day.

This process is a universal one and we all have to go through it at different points in our lives.

The problem is this; are you going to live in the pain or are you going to avoid it?

Living in the pain means acknowledging it for what it is. It means not personalizing it. It means not wallowing in, but wading in it.

The opposite is avoidance. The pain causes you to drink, eat or watch TV excessively. Stimulation in all it's forms can keep you from having to deal with this real pain......until it doesn't anymore. Maybe I can even pretend that there really isn't a problem at all. Self-deception works. Until it doesn't.

Real world example; I avoided regularly flossing for a long time.

I would floss here and there but not nearly as much as I should. Some people can get away with flossing less but I certainly cannot because I have some sort of weird genetic condition where my gums will wear away over time.

The last dentist checkup was an alarming one as their routine procedures produced lots of bleeding and decent amounts of pain. After wards, the dentist sat with me and told me the grotesque things that will happen over time if I continue to avoid flossing regularly.

I sat there like a child who hadn't done his homework. I was ashamed and could think of all the excuses in the world but knew that I was the problem.

It was painful to hold myself accountable. It was painful to get a reality check on myself. I am not the disciplined person I thought I was. I was letting things slip.

 And I waded in the pain. It made me think. It made me get my shit together (flossing regularly as of right now).

This is a few orders of magnitude lower than some of the most painful areas of life. For those whose health is at risk because of obesity, they know all too well of the very acute pain it brings. To accurately pinpoint where you are at means you have to hold yourself accountable. To be held accountable means you will be faced with the fact that you aren't quite the person you thought you were.

But it's the only way to move forward.

Here's the thing....

...I am not one for wishy-washy motivation quotes or “Go get'em” speeches. I'm more of a practical approach type of guy.

So when I say that there is hope in light of pain it is simply this; once you face the pain, it dissolves away.

Instead of pain, you will feel a refreshing clarity that can bring you to where you need to go.

This sounds incredibly wishy-washy but it's simply been the truth for me. When I realized that I was getting fat I was honest with myself. I didn't get mad or feel bad (maybe I did a little) but I said “this is the situation, where do I go from here?”

It was hard to admit that I slipped. I held myself in high regard up until that point. But I got a reality check and moved on.

Facing the pain is a powerful concept to grasp. But it is no magic pill.

Life is fucking hard. It is really tough. Bad things happen. There are always setbacks. People will deceive you. In other words, this isn't going to solve your problems immediately.

It is just something that can get the gears moving in the right direction.

So when we accept pain and let it run it's course, it doesn't mean your life will dramatically improve. That doesn't make sense. But it will give you a starting place.

“I Wish Things Were Different”

I recently lost my job.

My employer decided to close it doors and just like that I was a member of the unemployed.

It's so fascinating to really examine the thoughts that run through my head.

“Why me?”

“Why do bad things happen to me?”

“Why can't things ever work out for me?”

“I wish things were easier”

For anybody who's ever lost their job or family member or large sums of money probably know intimately of what I'm speaking of.

It's self-pity. It's wallowing. It's questioning yourself.

It's normal. No reason to feel bad about it. But it's the truth.

I catch myself thinking like this and it repulses me.

Do I really want things to be easier? Do I really want everything to just “work out”? Do I really wish things were different?

NO.

Things are exactly how they should be and the only thing I wish would change is how I feel about the situation. Instead of wishing that things were different, I wish that this little sappy moany whining crying bitch that lives inside of me would stop hoping that things would be easier.

Seriously. Inside all of us lives a little sappy moany whining crying bitch that yearns for a world without bad people, bad events, death and losing. When they happen our bitch-self feels good about pointing it's finger at an “insane” world.

But the world isn't insane. We  are.

Everything is exactly how it's supposed to be.

I am in this situation because of the choices I've made in the past. I'm in a tight position right now because I haven't been diligently saving money or looking for a better job for the last couples months. That's really it.

It's the laws of the universe. If you eat bad food and sit around you will get fat. If you don't save money up for an emergency, an emergency will happen and you will be fucked. If you stop paying your bills the lights will eventually get shut off.

These are just consequences of our actions plain and simple.

I think what I'm trying to say is this: don't wish for things to be different. Just accept the situation as it is.

If it's a messed up situation then do whatever course of action needs to be taken. Stick up for yourself. Move on. Say your goodbyes. Leave. Stay. Do whatever.

But don't be mad that the world doesn't work out. It just does what it does. Trying to make it any other way is insane.

The Endless Debate: Talent or Hard Work?

I have a confession to make: I love sports dearly.

Oh and no, it's not the type love you are thinking of.  It's definitely not the fan that attends every game.  It's not the crazy guy who calls into sports radio stations to complain vehemently.  I don't have a tattoo proclaiming my love for my home team.  I can't even recall the last pro sports game I attended.

Sports: Where Crying is Funny

Some people love sport for the feeling of peer group acceptance, social camaraderie or just for having a team to root for (or whatever).  These are all great reasons  but it goes much deeper, geekier and dorkier than that.

Sports are a magnificent microcosm (definition: a miniature representation of something) for life and all the struggles, victories and learning (and pretty much everything else) that happens throughout the course of one's life. 

Plenty of people pooh-pooh this sort of idea because they see a sport like soccer as just a bunch of men or women kicking a ball around and being way too serious about a childish game.

What a terribly superficial way to view athletic competition.  Competitive sport contains layers and layers of beauty from the breathtaking athletic ability of the human body to seeing years and years of hard work culminating in both the joy of victory and the crushing blow of defeat (and so much more).

How can everyone not relate on some level?!?

How many people slave away at their job, working to improve and move up in the company and have to face the ups and downs that come with striving to achieve things? How about trying to lose weight? Or learn a language? Or get married? All involve ups and downs, wins and losses, learning, require you to adapt and change yourself and they all put a giant mirror in your face in which you see who you really are.

MY FAVORITE SPORTS-RELATED TOPIC

My favorite debate in the area of athletics is the ageless debate of what matters more; talent or hard work?

This goes far, far beyond sports but it is so magnificently on display in this arena.

Think about an athlete like Lebron James, a man who is 6'8” tall, 260 pounds and is a one in six billion type of athlete. He very well could have the most athletically gifted genes on the planet. That is innate talent right there.

As a fan or even casual viewer of basketball you see him and say “Of course he's a great basketball player, he's gifted/talented/lucky/athletic”.

It makes sense.

How could it not? The man can literally jump over people (see video below) and that's simply not something the average person can do.

But it's a slippery slope of thinking; it isn't an accurate picture of reality. It reinforces the false idea that talented people are the successful ones, so if you aren't talented then don't even try.

WHAT IS A MORE ACCURATE PICTURE OF REALITY THEN?

I feel I have an especially intimate relationship with the sport of basketball and can help reveal more of the picture.

Let's look at someone who isn't Lebron James. Someone who isn't “talented”. Take the 12^th man on any NBA basketball roster, the guy who doesn't play and who the average fan assumes “sucks” because he is surrounded by the world's BEST BASKTBALL PLAYERS.

Take Brian Scalabrine from the Chicago Bulls. He is a slow, tall, goofy looking white guy. Everyone (it seems) stupidly assumes they could beat the guy one on one. 

But a guy like Scalabrine works his ass off and he's worked his ass off for longer than most people have worked at their 9-5 jobs for. From middle school (assuming he started in middle school) on he has put hours of effort in the gym, sacrificed a normal social life and has gone through the long hard grind of an athlete. For all those people who think athletics is just a merry-go-round of joy, ask a division one college athlete about how much time they have to commit on a daily basis to their sport.

I remember speaking with a football player who played for a divison one program telling me that they had to lift every morning at six, attend a study hall in the afternoon, practice in the evening, all while having a full classload and trying to have a normal social life. Meanwhile your average college student is getting high/drunk in the middle of the day and struggling to attend class because they were so wasted the night before. That sounds more like a merry-go-round of joy to me.

A famous story athelete commitment is of Peyton Manning. Manning will go down as one of the best quarterbacks ever and the man (along with being “talented”) works his ass off. A lot of his success can be attributed to the amazing connection he had with one of his wide recievers, Marvin Harrison, who seemed to have a psychic connection with his quarterback. But was their success rooted in luck, or was it really a psychic connection they had?

Niether.

Their success came from the hours and hours and hours they spent alone, repeating the same thing over and over and over again. They would be on the practice field, practicing snap after snap, running routes and timing. They wouldn't just do this once a week. Or twice a week. Or a couple times a month. They did it ALL THE FUCKING TIME! That was their life. The same boring shit.

Could you imagine their conversation after years of the same routine;

Peyton: “Ready to do the same shit we did yesterday?”

Marvin: “[SIGH] Yup.”

HOW EXCITING!

And yet most people think a professional athlete just swims around in a bathtub of cash and hangs out with groupies and then just shows up for the game (some do but those guys usually don't stick around too long).

The casual fan assumes these two guys just have a connection; Peyton Manning was born with the ability read defenses, time the pass and throw a perfect spiral without years and years of practice.

Actually, I'm sure a majority of people “get it” and have some appreciation for this aspect of the game. But even then, to see how day in and day out, even the supposed “worst” athletes of any sport work their ass of is truly something to appreciate.

(As a side note: I'm not advocating for treating athletes like god figures who work harder than the average person. It's simply an illustrative example of the "behind the scenes" reality of any great skill or proficiency)

REAL LIFE ANALOGIES

How about a real life example; I think most people view entrepreneurs or CEO's as being talented. Someone will say “but they are so smart” or “they have so much energy” or “they have such a business sense”.

"He's smart, that's why he's successful"

All these could be true but there have been waves and waves of smart people coming out of Harvard and Yale who never did shit, who never worked hard for whatever reason or just settled for “good enough”.

Then you had junior college graduates who had a chip on their shoulder, saw that the odds were stacked against them, stuck with their commitments for a long period of time and still bulled their way through every obstacle to end up where they were.

Sports or business, it's all the same thing. There are millions of guys and gals who had the talent to play professional sports or just play at a high level in general who didn't having the burning desire to grind out the boring day-to-day work that it takes to play at a high level.

If you have access to one, ask a high school coach or a college coach of any sport about their experience with "wasted talent".  There is nothing more sad or indelible to the memory of a teacher of a sport to see someone with a God-given talent not use their abilities.

ANDY, YOU DIDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION

Ok, so you noticed that I haven't really answered the question raised earlier; is it talent or hard-work that matters more?

...Because it doesn't matter. It's a bunch of silly mental masturbation to debate it and try to predict whether or not I could play in the NBA if I had worked harder or if this guy's business failed because he's not smart enough.

All I know is that you and I control only one end of that equation; how hard one can work.

The cynics of the world will say that you shouldn't work hard because the government will fuck you over, the 1% control everything, the odds are stacked against you, you aren't smart enough, you aren't special, you have to know somebody, people are out to scam you, you should be more realistic or WHATEVER other BS you can think of.

It's Always Someone Else's Fault

But looking at the reality of the situation you see something different. All people who have had a large degree of success worked their fucking ass off. Like WORKED THEIR ASS OFF. Imagine in your head what that means......have a good mental image of that.....now multiply that by 100. That's better.

I suppose I'm venturing into very controversial territory with this topic. To a certain degree, most of us would like to blame our lack of achievement on external factors and this certainly messes with that reality. “But what about x,y,z example of the world fucking me/this guy/this gal over” is going to pop up in your head and motivate you to comment below.

Any counter-example you can think of makes for great discussion but this whole post is not about me being right or you being right or this guy being wrong.  We are just looking for a more useful way to look at things to achieve a modicum of success. 

So if you liked this little write up or even hated it, I would simply ask you:

What is more useful? 

(1) Seeing the world through the lens that you have ultimate control over your fate 

-or- 

(2) Seeing the world through the lens that you are mostly at the whim of outside forces that control what will happen to you

That's the whole point.

[By the way, it's a rhetorical question. ;-) ]

Thanks for reading.

Motivation Re-Defined

I was thinking about motivation the other day.

Motivation is a weird thing. The rah-rah “pump up” videos (see below) are “motivational”. They are supposed to light a fire under your ass. If this homeless dude can reach his goals then what is your excuse?

You watch this and go “Fuck yeah!”, and drive to the gym and go workout.

"Fuck yeah! I'm excited!"

But inevitably you get to the point where you're too tired to make it to the gym. Suddenly a week has gone by.

“I was too busy, really, I had a lot going on!”

Whether the excuses are valid or not makes no difference. What started out as high motivation ended up turning into no motivation. This can happen quick. This can happen so quick that it can deflate you and think the shit is impossible.

I want to be motivated all the time. Everything would be so damn easy that way. I want to feel like I am just energized all the time, ready to tackle my goals like a caveman chasing a wooly mammoth.

This can work. But it is impossible to think that this is somehow a long-term strategy.

You can't rely on motivation really. That's because motivation, the way most people see it, is just a 5-hour energy; you are inspired by a story, by personal loss, or by lusting after something you don't have.

This can work. But sooner or later the energy will subside. The excitement and thrill of going after your goal will subside.

You'll do whatever you can to get it back. You'll watch that video multiple times. You'll drink. You'll smoke. You'll read a book. You'll see a therapist.

Fact is, you are chasing a high. Motivation won't get you to your goal.

Motivation goes deeper than how you feel. Motivation relies on your deep meanings of life. Seriously.

No matter what you do, whether it's sweeping floors of a high school gymnasium in Kansas, or you're a CEO of a fortune 500 company, your deep motivations (to make a difference, to change the world) will determine your quality of work.

This is backwards from the common paradigm. The common paradigm is: I work hard when I get money. The more money, the harder I work.

But this is a fool's game.

To see success in anything requires patience and consistent effort. It requires you to keep working on improving, even after you see success. How many bands/rappers/athletes/painters work their ass off to hit the payday and fame, only once they get there they suddenly drop out of the spotlight. They make one amazing record and everything else is shit.

When the band/rapper/athlete/painter was broke or not respected it was easy to be motivated. Nothing motivates you quite like competition.

But what about when everyone loves you? What about when you have a full bank account? What about when you achieve all your goals?

Then what? Do you just sit back and sit back in euphoria? Do angels fall from the sky and you drink mojitos on a beach in Hawaii?

FUCK NO.

You keep working hard.

See, motivation is deep, it is a spiritual endeavor.

Do you want to make a difference? Do you go after what you want to do (or rationalize and justify all the reasons you can't or shouldn't)? Do you want to achieve a level of mastery (just for fun)? Do you want to use your innate talents or let them whither away (very common)?

Answering yes to these questions means you have something stronger driving you. You aren't just hoping to “feel like” going to the gym, you go to the gym because you are going after what you want to do. You can feel like shit but you aren't relying on how you feel. It's about something else.

Short term motivation (see above video) is a necessary and useful tool. Unfortunately, it is extremely fleeting. It flows in peaks and valleys. It is not dependable. Thus, it cannot be the basis of how you do what you do.

If you don't feel like going to the gym today but know you should, just go. Go, stretch, do a light workout. Stick to your principles of following through.

Maybe next time you'll feel motivated, maybe not. But you'll eventually feel motivated and even more, you'll get to a point where you'll enjoy working out. Then you don't need to be motivated.

It's a much better place to be coming from.