Victory in Defeat

Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a world where nothing bad ever happened?

How about a world where we always get every we want?

On paper it sounds pretty fantastic.

But of course, that is just not reality.

In reality we have death. And loss. And sadness. And failure. And broken trust. And let downs. And negativity. And bad weather. These are not debatable opinions, it's just the nature of the world we live in.

Each life experience only reinforces the fact that this is the norm. Failure and loss cannot be avoided. So the question becomes; how do we deal with defeat and move on?

This question has been answered by many people and the answer is usually the same; learn from your mistakes, have a short memory and move on.

Solid advice in my opinion, but losing and failure is so much more than a learning lesson. Personally, I cherish the failure and recognize it as completely necessary for a rich life.

WHY CHERISH FAILURE

In my head, I have a map of “the way the world works”. This map has been molded through years of collected experience of successes and failures. With it, I can try and predict how the world is going to work in the future.

You'd think that after 27 years I would have enough experience to have a pretty accurate map of how the world works. This is just not the case.

The funny thing about our reality maps is that the very thing that makes them so accurate, is the one thing that most of us want to avoid. And that is failing.

Failure is feedback that something is wrong with our maps. They weren't accurate and need to change, if only slightly.

But that can be really hard. Like really hard.

How likely is it that most people are willing to admit that they could be wrong? It's more likely that we're going to bury ourselves into to false mindset. Being wrong exposes us to criticism and self-doubt. It feels icky.

So we end up avoiding the one thing that could free us up to succeed more. In other words, if only people actively failed more, they would probably see more success. Talk about a dichotomy.

This may not make sense but it has been a pattern I've seen in successful people I know.

FAILURE IS AN AGENT FOR CHANGE

Going after difficult goals means that something has to change. Whether that something is your habits or some personality trait is irrelevant, but success will require something to change.

If I was somehow to promoted to CEO of McDonald's or Walmart or whatever, I would fall flat on my face. I'd be overwhelmed. To go from my current work-ethic to that of a Fortune 500 CEO would take a long time.

Could you pull it off, at this very moment, if asked to step up?

HELL NO. I know I couldn't.

It's not that these Fortune 500 CEO's are genetically gifted or superior to you and I, it's just that they have gone through the experiences of success and failure for that position. They have a more accurate map for leadership Simple as that.

So failure shapes the map of reality. Without it, you'd never have to change.

Personally, I don't “like” failing but spectacular failure almost always forces me to focus my thoughts. With a clear mind, I can rationally sit and contemplate those things that caused me to fail. Was it something I did? Was it my approach? Was I being lazy? What needs to be changed?

FAILURE IS THE NORM

No one enjoys failure per se. It sucks. The way to deal with it is to fully expect it and understand it as normal.

Dieting is a lesson in this exact phenomena.

People expect to diet perfectly after January 1^st despite their habits to the contrary. After a couple weeks they fall off the diet and binge (because falling off is INEVITABLE). The healthy path of going through the binge is to just to reflect on your actions and just shrug it off as a learning lesson.

Instead, I see a lot of people who binge, then self-hate themselves right back into their old habits.

“Why try when I can't avoid an eating binge?”

Because a binge is NORMAL. Snapping back into old habits is NORMAL. Missing on your commitments is NORMAL. Falling off the horse is NORMAL. Not being perfect is NORMAL.

When I lost 50 pounds I fell off constantly. My diet would be going perfectly and suddenly one cookie would turn into 2,000 calories worth of crap later. It happened in the beginning and less so as time progressed.

It didn't demoralize me because I “knew the deal”. It happens. No biggie.

Of course when it does happen I would self-reflect and all that stuff. I'd even self hate a little. I'd be like “Andy you suck. You're better than this. Get it together”. But I'd move on and try and let it go.

This is not a gimmicky approach by any means. It's not just positive thinking. It's just a more refreshing take on the reality of life. Instead of getting demoralized by all the little failures, it's worth taking the time to appreciate why it happens.